Merry Christmas Everyone! It's your favorite holiday heckler, the guy with a face like Santa and the heart of the Grinch, your Yuletide yokel Avery Mann (heim Steamroller, ya know-cuz it's the season). My gift to you this year is the new holiday classic wanna-be CANDY CANE LANE. Eddie Murphy trades in his heh...heh...heh's for some ho...ho...ho's as he channels his inner Clark Griswold to try to win the big Christmas decoration prize (and teach us a lesson about family). The movie opens with Chris the hand-made wood carving wiz facing off with neighbor Bruce of the blow-up doll domain (Bruce-"We're the family that blows" he mis-boasts). Heading inside we're introduced to the Carver family-wife Carol and kids Joy, Nick, and Holly (see what they did there-sledgehammer subtle ain't it?) Track star daughter Joy wants to go to Notre Dame but USC alum parents aren't havin' it (Fight On! V-sign displayed by fam). Son Nick is failing at math, he just wants to do music, yo.(wears a tuba picture T-shirt captioned "HEAVY METAL") It's off to work for Ma and Pa, who have wildly different days. A little foreshadowing for Chris on his commute through El Segundo, CA (which we all know is the Christmas Capital of the world) where we see a mural of Teddy Roosevelt that says "Comparison is the thief of joy" (Hmm-Chris vs. Bruce much?) Arriving at Sydel Twain industrial plastics, our hero is immediately fired by smarmy boss in a massive pre-holiday layoff parade of employees. (here's some fleecewear as a parting gift) Perky out-placement officer arrives to assist RFP Chris off the premises. (Recently Fired Person-pretty glib scroogey company, if you ask me) Meanwhile operational manager Carol is recommended by boss for a big promotion. (Nit-Pick here-when crestfallen Chris leaves work, his car is the only one in pkg. lot-even though purging bosses said who's next after Chris was fired. He wouldn't be the last one to leave) . Once home, he can't ruin Carols good news with his bad and they head over to Bruce's big holiday soiree.("We got the good stuff!" Bruce-referring to BOXED wine! Is there a good stuff there?) On local channel Prism cable, we see customary mis-matched hosts Emerson and Kitt declare this year's contest has a sponsor's prize of $100,000. (Daaamn!) Of couse displaced Dad's plan is to win the comp to support his fam as he regroups. He heads out to shop with school-skipping Holly in tow. (Funniest part of the movie is montage scene of Chris and Holly pushing a shopping cart through various retailers. At Wal-mart, we see rioting and present in-fighting with gift boxes flying up like an air popper. Cut to Costco where all the shelves are nearly empty, and then finally in Target-where they have Valentine's Day stuff out already!) Failing to find a show-stopper at the major chains, they are detoured (first a red sign, then a green one) to a brick and mortar store called Kringles sitting all by itself UNDER A FREEWAY OVERPASS!!! (Creepy "He sees you when you're sleeping " motto on bldg. front.) Entering magical store (which looks like Willy Wonka went all North Pole) , Chris and Holly are startled by evil elf Pepper popping up outta nowhere ("What's Christmas without a little terror?"-Pepper: WHAT!) She discerns his purpose and shows him a giant 12 Days of Christmas decorative tree with a magical partridge on top-which should seal the contest deal. I'll take it says Chris, cool your cocoa, Krampus replies Pepper (she's an evil quote machine). Just sign here and it's yours. Chris starts to read the lengthy receipt and Pepper interjects "Ignore the fine print-legal mumbo jumbo. Honestly, it's like signing your life away!" (Because you ARE!!!) Heading home with giant box for 12 Days of Christmas carousel tree on top of car (It looks like a gigantic snuff tin and opens like a sardine can) . Tree magically opens and assembles itself and the game is on. (NP here-how did he rationalize this large expense when he's unemployed? Counting your 100,00 eggs before they're hatched much, Chris?) Cue up the Christmas parade contest kick-off down Candy Cane Lane (Hosted on Prism cable by Emerson and Kitt and roving weatherman Sonny Roberts-Kitt's nephew) Santa lights up each house on parade route with the point of a finger. As Hanukkah house lights up Sonny says "You know , Jesus was a Jew." On how many levels is that wrong and disrespectful? When Santa gets to the Carver home, Chris has his Clark moment and the first switch on fails. Crowd appalled, St. Nick gives Chris another chance and tree blazes to glorious life like something out of a Spielberg/Scorcese holiday collaboration! (Airline pilots flying overhead are blinded by the blazing beacon light of the tree-funny. Take that, Griswold!) Proud pop becomes the frontrunner instantly, getting 2 thumbs up from Santa. After parade, treetop partridge's eyes glow and evil red, signalling trouble to start. Mysterious taunting wake-up call next morning alerts Chris that 12 days decorations are missing. Turns out they have come to life to harass the Carver family. (Carol is bombed at work with eggs by geese a laying). When Chris and Holly return to Kringle's to get replacement parts, they find out tiny figurines in Christmas store are really people that have been turned into ornaments by the evil Pepper's sign your life away scheme! (Funny running gag as amazed Eddie, seeing live little folks, exclaims "What the f(a, la la la la...la la la la) finish the tiny carolers so he doesn't have to swear. Possible nice list conversion from your earlier filthy comedy career leanings?) Anywho, tiny Pip gives back story of Pepper(mint) being Santa's favorite elf until it went to her head and she went all naughty list happy, dooming all to the bad list for the smallest infractions forever. Santa finds out and demotes her to reindeer stable elf. She then quits that bitch and comes down to try to ruin Christmas for everyone (and the yearning faithful are tricked into signing themselves into ornaments.) Turns out the fine print Dad signed says he must find all the gold rings by 8 pm Christmas eve by the clock tower bell or he joins the tiny toons brigade of ornaments himself! They high-tail it out of there with the house, clock tower and cursed figurines in tow (NP- Chris shoves house in Escalade first then Holly stands up clock tower through the sunroof-NO, there wasn't enough room in SUV to do that ). Arriving home Chris tells fam incredible story as the figurines take up lush life in the Barbie dream house. At 54.50 in genius Holly figures out they are all named after X-mas stuff ("Really, you're just now figuring this out" Nick to Holly-DUH!) Family and figures work out a plan to recover rings and thwart Pepper, led by operational manager Mom. (Tiny figure Gary advises "Don't split up, haven't you seen a horror movie-that's how people die! And you ALL black people!) Family vows to stick together and they head to Joy's big track meet for the scouts' approval. (Funny scene under bleachers has Pepper giving Leaping Lords a pep talk-"I don't know much or anything about sports, so I googled advice from sports legends Wade Gretzy, Tiger Woof and that immortal trio Lee, Bron, and James. Malaprops abound.) Leaping Lords try to sabotage Joy's audition for scouts and Carol knocks out a Lord by chucking a heavy metal thermos 30 yards to conk him in head? AH, NO way Jose. (Editor's note-Hey Avery Kringle, let's wrap this review up or Christmas will be over by the time you finish!) OK, OK so the family back at home goes into the standard bad-ass slow mo walk abreast down the street per gangsta style and the ring retrieval begins. At 1:20.00 in we learn from Emerson and Kitt that the 1st prize is ACTUALLY a hundred thousand dollars worth of sponsor's CRAP products. (Items include 500 shares of Fry's Electronic stock (now bankrupt), a free antique quilt set, passes to the Irrigation History Museum, a Lil' Flippin" mix tape?! and LOTS of Tony's Tacos (Live every day like it's Taco Tuesday). Cheater Pepper turns tower clock forward 5 min. and Chris gets downsized early. As all seems lost because Pepper changes the game to 40 rings to be recovered (from ALL the 5 golden rings repeat verses in the song=40, which math-poor Nick figures out) pimped out Black Santa arrives in his rocket-powered Caddy-like sleigh to help. (final NP-as rings are recovered, they seem to be smaller that the original 5 rings were-bad editing) . Will Santa save the day? Will Holly's Christmas wish save the little people and Dad? You'll have to tune in to find out, but a hint is a finale taco dinner with a box of wine to warsh it down, followed by a shot of (Chris )Kringle's new storefront sign. It might not be A CHRISTMAS STORY or MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET, but it was clever and novel enough for me to give it a family-friendly 2 antlers up MTSR of GREEN. Har, har, har, Merry Christmas! Family RULES!!
"You can ring my bell...ell...ell, ring my bell!" Anita Ward (1979). Hey there teen scream queen fans, it's your crotchety Quasimodo Avery Mann here, pulling the rope on this weeks' movie THE BELL KEEPER. This 2023 horror splatterfest takes us to the haunted Bell Lake campground, where annoying teenagers prove once again-"We're too STUPID to live!" The movie opens with a bang (literally) as the front door of the standard creepy cabin in the woods flies open and we see a girl tied to a chair inside. The loser boyfriend then races out the open door (love be damned, I'm outta here) and is pursued into the woods by the axe-wielding Hank (played adequately by wrassler and UFC champ Randy Couture). Of course he catches up to his running prey (even though he is only walking fast) and knocks him to the ground. We then see a POV of Hank standing at BF Gary's feet, cue axe swing and then Gary's head is liberated from his body. Nit-pick here is the killing blow comes from the SIDE of victim, slicing the neck cleanly off with the sharp blade. Back to the cabin to finish his day's work, we see the girl's eyes glint a little bit orange just before Hammerin' Hank takes a full swing and clears the girl's head up for her. We get an outside window shot of blood and chunks hitting the glass. ("You rang the bell!"-Hank) Problem here is the window was BEHIND the axeman and I don't think there would be any chunks produced by the razor sharp blade. We then forward to an old Winnebago on a country road where college drop-out and little bro Liam is waiting for big bro Matt and his crew to arrive and begin their journey to Bell Lake. Seems Matt's girlfriend Holly is an internet ghost story de-bunker and they're heading to the lake to bust the myth about a murderer appearing and killing people after they ring an old bell by the lake. Tagging along to help are annoying couple Megan and Gabriel and driver Liam ("Nobody drives my rig but me") Warming up with a little stone session (Liam grows and hybridizes pot strains in his RV closet) the plucky (and unlucky) bunch start of and we hear the backstory of Bell Lake and it's a doozy! Seems back in the 1800's a satanic cult sacrificed 3 virgins and now there is a curse where when someone rings the old bell, a killer appears and takes care of business. Oh and also 200! people have gone missing around the lake and 75 died in a nearby asylum fire (All with no proper investigation conducted). PLUS the lake is near a UFO crash site and a haunted mine shaft!! (What, no Indian burial ground?!) Sounds like a great spot for a little lake vacation. At 14 min. in the stoned sleuths exhort Liam to race a little car with his giant RV and when he loses-they call HIM lame. What? Five people and gear in a heavy RV vs. 1 person in a small car, who you think's gonna win? Conveniently running low on gas, crew is forced to stop at standard creepy gas station (annoyed local states "Stupid kids" truer words were ne'er spoken) Inside the station, we see Brittany putting up flyers for her missing brother (Gary-who lost his head earlier) and we meet Sheriff Carlson (Chazz Bono) and his deputy, as well as the lunatic store owner Jodie. (Quick NP aside here-there is a dart board set up on the wall behind the counter? and we see shelves stocked with olives, toilet paper, Jell-O, garden tools, and tins of something called Born Rage?! Deputy-"Just gimme my stuff" WHAAT a strange inventory, to be sure.) Carlson tells kids that campground is closed for season, so buzz off and he is not interested in Brittany's missing brother (Really, isn't that your job, buddy?) Off to the lake anyway and they pass by Brittany putting up flyers on trees (who is gonna read those anyway and why is she searching ON FOOT?) At 27 min. in, stoned Gabriel delivers the classic line reply to a question "Dude, it's 1876, everyone's a virgin." HUH? Pulling in to the C.G., stoned Liam states the obvious "I've got a really bad feeling about this place and I don't wanna be here" No shit pal, just wait. Brittany arrives on scene shortly after and smitten virgin Liam asks her "Did you find him?" Bro, it's only been an hour or so, what do you think? She later comes across murder cabin, but doesn't go in. (NP-no trace of blood anywhere, even though bloody body was dragged up cabin steps) Back at the couples tents, we get the obligatory make out scene and Gabriel and Megan freak out at a cockroach in their tent (NP-it was actually only a cricket) Nearing midnight, the 4 Ghostbusters (timid Liam opts out) head up to the bell site to chime in. At 38.20, we get the best line by Megan just before the ringy-dingy-"We're just dying to see what happens!" Bell rung several times, nothing appears to happen. We then see an Evil Dead-like presence rushing through the woods at them, stopping, and all of a sudden there is fog everywhere on a cloudless full moon (of course) night. (Major NP time-why is the bell still there when the locals claim it summons the murderer from beyond the grave? Why not throw the bell down the well to hell? EZ-PEEZY solution, don't you think?) Moving on, we see Holly go into the unlocked C.G. bathroom (thought it was closed for the season?) and looking into the mirror she turns away as her ears start to bleed, but her reflection DOESN'T-with an evil look on it's false face. Are we just gonna trot out EVERY horror trope ever? At 45 min. bell keeper Hank appears and tries to grab Holly, but her eyes change color and she escapes the Axe Man and runs off. Hank tries to get in RV to get Liam, Brittany, and sick Matt, but scrawny Liam is able to hold the unlocked door shut from brawny, brutal Hank. I DON'T THINK SO! Liam and Brit escape out the window, but Matt's eyes glow and he begins the change, but Hank takes him down with an Axe headshot. Liam and Brittany escape to the C.G. store (also conveniently unlocked-thought this place was closed for the season?) and hide. Hank collars them and reveals the truth-he's not the bad guy, he is the immortal keeper of bell and it's demonic presence. In a nice mid-movie twist, it's revealed that ringing the bell turns all who hear its cursed peals into demons and Hank is there to clean up the supernatural messes. Liam and Brittany were wearing headphones during the midnight madness and thus not turned. At the 1 hour mark, Liam tries to start RV to escape, but the drained battery won't turn over. But when he turns on the headlights to illuminate demon Holly, the lights are as bright as ever-WHAT?! Also, Holly (and other demon converts) is dripping blood from the mouth, where did that come from-she didn't eat anyone. With no wheels to escape, they call 911 for sheriff Carlson and the call GOES THROUGH!-even though there was no cel service the entire movie. A NP observation-why do the demons necks and bones crack when they move their heads and bodies? They haven't been dead long enough for rigor mortis , so WTF? Hank escorts the 2 normies back to his cabin crib and gives them the 411 on the sitch. Cult leader Jackson McDowell sacrificed the 3 virgins in his church (where the bell was from) to open the gates of hell on earth. Hank's daughter was one of them and he killed cult-boy (too late, alas) and was turned into an immortal guardian of the hell gate bell. Problematic loophole here is he can't touch or destroy bell himself, so he needs the 2 virgins to do it for him. (Hank-"You're certainly a virgin" to Liam-rank!) Team virgin heads up to bell with Hank and can't even take it down with a chainsaw, no less. Turned demon bro appears but hero sheriff takes him dwon with a shotgun blast to the head. Trying to destroy the bell itself with the chainsaw (instead of severing the wooden mounts to drop it into the well) actually rings the bell and summons Jackson himself for a smoke-filled final showdown with Hank. You all know who wins and at the end sheriff Carlson joins the hunt for the remaining still-on-the-loose demons out in the world with the virgin twins, Movie ends with the demon-quest beginning and one final joke-"Why did the demon get arrested? Possession! HA HA! To sum it all up this movie was stock horror stuff on overdrive all the way, but the nice plot twist and passable story and acting made it ultimately enjoyable for me. If you don't like the predictable ride, don't buy the ticket, but I will give this quick trip down horror lane a MTSR of YELLOW. If you like slasher/horror offerings, this will do ya. Sever-ey Mann heads off for now.
Welcome back everybody, Avery Mann here and this week the (reader) ship is taking on water with the titanic voyage into the abyss of Pandora (see what I did there) in AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER. This highest budget ever film is a sequel to the highest grossing film of all time (and one of the BEST movies ever IMHO) AVATAR (2009). Director James Cameron's latest entry (2 more films yet to come, at least) takes us back to the moon world of Pandora sixteen years after the Na'vi natives kicked the RDA's ass all the way back to Earth, led by former Marine Jake Sully-now the leader of the Omatikaya clan. Sully turned against his human military employers and as he was dying in an avatar controller pod in the first film, his wife Neytiri performed a ritual where his essence was transferred via the living consciousness of the world Eywa (Huh?) into his avatar body and he permanently became one of them. The opening of this entry gives us the backstory of his family on Pandora. Wife Neytiri has bore him 2 sons, Neteyam and Lo'ak, and a daughter Tuk. They have an adopted daughter Kiri, who was born from scientist Grace Augustine's inert avatar in cryostasis. (First major Nit-Pick pause-Who knocked RDA scientist Grace up? It is rumored to be fellow scientist Norm, but did he engage in coitus with her in human form or did their blue monkey forms bongle in the jungle? Or perhaps Eywa had a hand in the hybrid birth during dying Grace's hybrid transfer attempt? This is all so confusing, but it's sci-fi so anything's possible.) The family pet is Spider, a human boy who is the son of the late Colonel Miles Quaritch (Sully's former boss and main antagonist), He was raised by the scientists who stayed behind on Pandora loyal to the Na'vis, since baby boy was too young for the cryotubes journeying back to Earth. (Question-who is Spider's mother? It is never revealed, but WHO would mate with this mean SOB in the first place?) Anywho, it's all happy fun and games on Pandora growing up until (inevitably and predictably) the evil humans return to Pandora to colonize and pillage the planet some more. As the invading human hordes land, they napalm the entire forest world of the Omatikaya clan (NP-not even reasonably possible) forcing Sully and fam to flee to protect the forest survivors. The RDA revenge force is led by General Ardmore (Tony Soprano's wife Edie Falco?!) and the recombinant soldier-Miles Quaritch's memory implanted Na'vi avatar. We flash forward 1 YEAR and we see Miles's clone start his campaign to Terminate Sully (his foil )and rein under the local populous. (HUGE NP here-Beach Head City, their local base of operations, is a huge, sprawling city that could not possibly have been built in ONE year, high-speed assembler bots not withstanding. They also have a high speed rail system built to transport resources-ah, no!) At 18 min. in we get Col. Quaritch's best line-"We're going to Pandora and I know you're all asking yourself the same question-Why so blue? (they're all Na'vi avatars you see) Na'vi forces derail RDA train and scrounge supplies (and guns?) from wreckage and sons of Jake barely get away, causing his parental wrath against oldest son Neteyam for not watching over younger brother Lo'ak. (This recurring trope seems to stem from Jake's guilt over his brother dying on Pandora way earlier, which is why paralyzed Jake was recruited to take his place as avatar jockey in first movie-DNA compatibility in the chamber...etc.) General Ardmore states they cannot get at the Na'vi stronghold in the floating Hallelujah Mountains because Eywa musters all the life forms of Pandora to attack the non-native human forces. What I really want to know is what came first-the floating mountains of Avatar or the floating mountains of MTG; Zendikar expansion (our sponsor)? Who ripped off who? (they both came out in 2009) Anywheres, Q flies his Na'vi recombinant forces into the mtns. (NP-why doesn't Eywa attack these fake Na'vi wannabes or Gen Ardmore's following forces? She's not as smart as she thinks she is maybe) . At 32 min. in we see Q finding his dead human body at the science lab battle scene (nice) and he crushes his own skull in anger at his death by Neytiri. (A quick aside for two bothersome NPs-why isn't Jake riding his big bad-ass red Toruk bird from the first movie and how is it that the Na'vi can breathe our air for a long time but the Pandora atmosphere is shortly lethal to humans?) Nosy, disobedient kids spy on the recombinant force and barely get away, except Spider who is captured and recognized by Miles as his son. Jake and the fam are forced to leave to protect the remaining Omatikayans ("One life ends, another begins" recurring line from Jake) and take off on their birds to the island clans of the Metkayina people (green skins instead of blue and underwater instead of the trees) and are accepted by chief Tonowari and his pregnant wife Ronal (these names are all shortened from their long forms-you're killing me with this, Jimmy) Meanwhile the RDA probes Spider's mind for Sully info, but comes up dry. Miles Q then tries to befriend his son to gain info and Spider teaches him how to walk and talk like an Egyptian (I mean Na'vi). Back at the islands, the Sullys try to assimilate and blend with the locals, learning their ways. Chief's daughter Tsireya emerges from ocean like a seductive fragrance commercial, setting young Lo'aks hormones ablaze for her. (2 more NPs-why do the natives all hiss and bare their teeth at the presence of a threat-this isn't a National Geographic animal documentary and at 58 min. in, we see a quarter moon visible in front of a giant planet in the sky-not possible!) The Sully clan learns the way of water ("The way of water has no beginning and no end"-Tsireya trying to seduce Lo'ak) and half-breed Kiri finds she has a special bond with the sea life-one sea mount beast actually winks at her. The chief's naughty son Aonung takes impulsive, impetuous Lo'ak out into the open sea and abandon him there (snipe hunt much) and he is attacked by a large sea carnivore. As is predictably the case, there is ALWAYS a bigger fish (or dinosaur, or kaiju, or...etc.) in the sea and Lo'ak is saved at the last second by a huger fish chomping on his attacker. (NP time-the huge fish chomps on the attacker sardine and we see blood in the water, but when this leviathan releases the minnow from his maw, there are no wounds in evidence!-NO!!) Near drowning Lo'ak is rescued by the Tulkun whale Payakan, an outcast from his kind since he dared buck their pacifist ways and attack the human whalers hunting their kind. Sully threatens rebel son within an inch of his life for venturing out and Lo'ak takes the blame for Aonung, cementing their friendship. In direct disobedience to Pops, he shortly after ventures out to meet whale buddy Payakan and Kiri heads out with local buds to link up to underwater Spirit Tree. (Nice parenting supervision skills Jake and Neytiri) and she has a seizure while seeing her mom Grace through spirit link. Ronal folk-cures Kiri after Norm and the scientists can't (inadvertently leading the sneaky, tracking Q to their general location.) Miles commandeers a whaling vessel captained by Mick Scoresby to hunt for Sully, (Mick objecting-"I've got quotas to fill." WHAT!? Quotas of whales and why? Once again, this whale harvesting industry sprang up in only ONE year since the human return-even if there was a whale industry going on in the first movie which there was no evidence of.) Evil Q then harasses a nearby tribe of sea folk and threatens to kill them, triggering a 180 attitude in son Spider and causing him to sympathize with the greenies. (NP-why would Spider help Dad locate Jake in the first place and then change mind? Seems kinda fishy to me!) Quaritch clone then figures he can draw out Jake and his protectors by slaughtering the Tulkun brethren of the Metkayina. (We then find out the whaling harvest is for Ameritum-an extract from the brain of the whales that HALTS the human aging process. Beat the hell out of Unobtainium as Pandora's biggest cash crop!) As the comandeered whale ship sets out, we see a laughable shot of one mechanical crab-like scuttler ships pounding one fist (claw) into the other in a classic I'm gonna pound you gesture...fabulous. The whale slaughter mission to draw Jake and allies out begins and a whale is harpooned and we see a really fakey looking harpoon line (but super strong , like in JOHN WICK 4) hooked to a Tulkun , finally taking it down for some Ameritum harvesting action . (NP here-whaling scientist states the Tulkun species have a highly developed intelligence featuring complex language, music, mathematics, and philosophy...how does he know this?) Anywhy, the news of the TK slaughter gets back to the MK and we see a disturbing reaction to it. (And by disturbing, I mean borderline racist. The news the Sky people will not stop hunting Sully elicits (depicts?) a reaction of hissing and lolling of tongues while dancing around by the MK reminiscent of a 1930's TARZAN film!! Shame on you Jimmy.-Inappropriate!!!) Moving on, Jake stupidly takes the tracking tag out of Ronal's dead spirit mentor and brings it back to village. "Gotcha, soldier" Q . RDA forces track Payakan to 3 Brothers Rocks, where the brats try to help it get free of fish-tag. At 2:14 in, we see Sully riding his flying fish mount to the scene with the roused MKs (Big NP-Why didn't Jake take his far superior sky bird mount (since it turns out later they can fly just fine underwater) like his wife did?) RDA baddies arrive and never-ending final battle scene begins. (Okay, this review is getting as overlong as the movie-I'll Readers Digest the rest of it) Q captures kids, Payakan jumps and lands on captives ship, freeing them, recaptured by the Q-man, Payakan crashes flagship into reef, ship sinks (tilting like the Titanic as everyone aboard slides down deck-homage or are we runnin' out of ideas James? Really, Kate Winslet as Ronal?...What?!) More hostages, a brother is shot and we get our predictable final confrontation scene with Master Miles Quaritch facing off against the student Jake Sully. Who will win? All I can tell you is Kiri turns into Aquaman to save most of the family , evil lives to fight again and James Cameron REALLY wants to end the whaling industry and save all environments. Overly bloated by about an hour (and a pretty, bland formulaic script), preachy Cameron still manages to dazzle us with his dizzying sensory-overload visuals and for the common good themes. Hang on tightly and don't let go, we're in for 2 more of these and I look forward to them (shorter tho, plz). I give this visual feast for the eyes a MTSR of GREEN! (See buddy, that wasn't so bad after all. Say hi to the crew down at Digital Domain for me! Yours, A. Mann -AKA David Lee)
Buonasera la mia famiglia, it's your il cinema goombah Avery Mann, back to whack another movie for your on-going contract. This weeks' target is ABOUT MY FATHER, an umpteenth retelling of the age old story of the two young people falling in love and having to introduce their wildly different families to each other in preparation for a proposal forthcoming. This iteration was written by and stars Sebastian Maniscalco, loosely based on his life and relationship with his father, the crusty and cantankerous Salvo (fitting like a glove on Robert DeNiro-haven't seen THIS before, have we?) This familiar road starts out with Sebastian explaining how people have been trying to kick Sicily's ass (Italian boot metaphor here) since the dawn of time. (First major Nit-Pick: the historical photo montage of said ass-kicking includes a picture of Hannibal's marauding elephant troops! I don't think those elephants were swimming across the SEA to invade Sicily!!!) He goes on to state the biggest cultural contributions of the Italians were family and Speedos. (We see a picture of an Italian guy wearing them and hear the sound of a GOAT in the background-What is THAT about?!) We're then introduced to papa Salvo, a frugal and flamboyant hair stylist. (a poor man's wise guy Rocco Altobelli?) This guys' so cheap he made Sebastian a home-made skateboard one X-mas and promises next year to make him one of them Nintendos. Anyway, Sebastian asks cheap dad for Nona's wedding ring so he can propose to his rich, artist girlfriend Ellie. Ellie's family came over on the Mayflower! and is one of the richest hoteliers in the country (which explains how Ellie can cruise through life painting pictures of vaginas for a living). This oddball bunch is led by William the XII (Sebastian claims the only people he knows with Roman numerals in their title were Popes and Rocky Balboa-funny), his congresswoman wife Tigger (really, where's the Pooh?), Top Gun son William the 13th (Lucky, get it?) and holistic healer-to-be Doug. Skeptical Sal says he cannot give up the ring and his blessing until he meets the parents (get it?) and looks them in the eye to see if they are worthy. Luckily enough Ellie has invited them to a July 4th celebration at their complex in White Oak Country Club in the D.C. area. (Peacock Crossing signs in evidence-more on that later.) Arriving at airport they are greeted by Lucky XIII in his helicopter (BIG NP-Ellie sees her brother, runs to him, and leaps into his arms-STRADDLING HIM, what's up with that?) Classic line by Lucky-"I can't tell the age of anyone over 40" Condescending ass much? After C-bass (Lucky's nickname for Sebastian-he's glib, irreverent, and saves me some letters on his name.) throws up in the chopper, they land and venture on. Arriving at Valhalla, we see Doug working on his sound bowl music (healing, remember) and Bill bragging about their pretentious decor (Bill-"That is an original Grandma Moses painting" Sal-"I'm sorry, was she a little un pazzo?" NNNNNNNNNNN(Ed. note-Found A passed out at his laptop, he's been working too hard. I'll have him finish this one tomorrow.) Huh, what? Sorry, must have dosed off there. Now where was I, oh right, off to lunch at the Shack with the pretentious Collins snobs. Sal doesn't like the concept of putting it on their tab and wants to know how much for the BLT. Cut to the close-knit (too close?) Collins crew in their matching blue monogrammed jammies assessing the sitch and Sal and C-bass arguing , then relenting to engage in their nightly cologne ritual (they spray a cloud into the air and then waft into it like Greg Louganis doing a swan dive-these Guidos!) The next day features a doubles tennis match with C-b and Tigger taking on Ellie and Lucky ("I got kicked out of Harvard for playing the stocks, Dad got mad and gave me 1 hotel...ONE!" God these people are so, so hateable!) Game, set, and match as C-bass slams one off Lucky's balls (Dad helps out by pouring his iced tea on Billy's bruised boys-semi funny.) The next day it's off for a yacht excursion and some jet booting. (Bill-"I won this yacht playing backgammon with Richard Branson, so every cruise is a Virgin one.") Ha Ha, this guy drops more names than Elizabeth Taylor (you know, cause she got divorced a lot-get it?) Sebastian tries out the boots and his trunks come down and he can't pull em up, exposing his cajones to everyone. This leads to the funniest line of the movie (Finally) by Lucky-"Hey Bubba Gump, nice shrimp!" It degrades from there, as Bill offers C-bass his best hotel in D.C. to manage as a welcome to the family. (Lucky-"I thought you were saving that hotel for me?" Bill-"We regularly drug test" L-"Oh, okay") Sal naturally sees it as a payoff and is against it, as it would take the son away from him and their beloved Chicago. As a foil, he adopts the Collins' garb and lifestyle. (Sal in shorts, C-b remarks "Your legs look like pretzel sticks in socks") Sal playing croquet dressed in patriotic 4th of July flag attire ("It's like bocce with sticks") Sorry, but that's as funny as it gets toward the end of this predictable mess. Sal volunteers to give Tigger a style for her big TV interview, and gives her the man cut buzz (NP-how did she not know and stop him as he was mowing off most of her locks?) Great line by TV newsman interviewer Chris Hayes though-"Senator McCarthy, sorry to cut you short." Tigger-"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" At first furious with Sal, then lovin' him as hairstyle goes viral. Sal shows his gratitude by fixing them a special Italian treat (made in Doug's sound bowls) which was pasta and chicken. Unfortunately the stores were closed, so Sal murders Sgt. feathers the peacock as a fowl substitute-Oh the humanity. The one last funny scene at 1:10 in shows Sal and Sebastian out in the woods burying the feathered remains in a scene STRAIGHT out of Goodfellas, (that was nice.) We then get the predictable ending with Ellie finding out Bill has been buying all her vagina paintings (to support her interests, you know) and everyone getting mad, but then making up because family is everything. My final question-Is this the DeNiro we're stuck with now? The crotchety, whiny, sentimental old geezer character in every movie? (Because that's MY job Bobby D.) Please Robert, give us at least one more kick-ass, tough guy mobster classic before you go. As for this disaster, do yourself a favor and see MEET THE PARENTS instead if you're up for this kind of thing. I give this barely funny clunker a MTSR of RED. That's it for now, come back Friday for a blockbuster of an edition of Plotflaws.com (I told you I was coming for you Jimmy!)
Hey turkeys, it's your old Pilgrim pundit Avery Mann serving up an extra helping of stuff (ing) for you on small business Saturday (fittingly enough). Your bonus baby review this weekend is the black (Friday) comedy HONOR SOCIETY 2022. This John Hughes-esque mash-up of LEGALLY BLONDE meets CLUELESS and MEAN GIRLS stars the excellent Angourie Rice as the manipulative, driven, instantly hateable H.S. senior (at George H.W. Bush high!) Honor Rose. This annoying ("Let me show you why you know nothing") 4th wall smasher's whole life has been a focused plan to attend Harvard and escape her middle class life. The key to her plan is to secure the recommendation of pervy school guidance counselor Mr. Calvin, who has an in at Harvard. He taunts his teen crush Honor (like EWWW!) with the fact that she is one of his final 4 candidates-shy, hunky lacrosse star Travis (closeted gay), stereotypically driven but reserved and shy Asian Kennedy, and brilliant horny nerd Michael. With a diabolical precision Sherlock Holmes would envy, she concocts plans to eliminate these road blocks from contention with the help of her Plastics allies Talia and Emma ("A flyer is like a tweet that ruins the environment" says Emma-classic best line.) The sting begins with Honor joining the theater club and playing on poor insecure failure/drama teacher Ms. Felson's sympathies to get her to put on Kennedy's play about Mary the 1st of England (Bloody Mary-fitting) to distract her academic focus and to entreat Travis to join the play, distracting his athletics and encouraging him to come out , fueled by his secret attraction to play actor Gary. (Honor notices Travis avoiding "girlfriend" Christine's cleavage to stare at Gary's butt-BINGO! Honor-"Those are great teenage boobs!" She does have a knack for voicing what we are all thinking-sounds familiar.) At 22.40, she gets off her best line "As I always say, you can't spell sympathetic without pathetic." Great writing in evidence here. Meantime, Honor puts the mack on new lab partner Michael, self-assurance cemented as he gives her the sideways glance when the chemistry teacher mentions chemical bonds forged by heat-GOTCHA! She friends him on social media (@1 Honor Rose "a little piece of me" and boasts "All men masturbate after being friend-accepted by a hot chick" WHAT?! So full of herself, she is. (NP here-I don't think all Michael's monitors would be showing a montage of different hot Honor pics after friending at 27.50 in. NP 2-Also don't think the ENTIRE class would turn to look at her when she invites Michael to a study sesh-NO.) She turns up the heat in her room (which looks different from opening scene) by running the old pencil-sharpening routine in a skimpy get up to get Michael's engine running (tease!). She has her cronies follow Michael to get more dirt and discovers he lives in a foster home and needs scholarship to Harvard to break free also. (Player being played? Maybe?) Cut to Honor going to a bar and securing roofies from a guy that was going to mickey her (How did she know?-At 41 min. we see a mental image of her dad warning her about this scenario-using a FEMALE VOICE! Weird.) Then she uses some roofie action on performing, rock-star-wannabe Mr. Calvin to supply some blackmail insurance for her plans. (Honor-"Wow that roofie stuff really screws you up, BUT back to priorities" EVIL girl. Also NP here-One sip of roofied beer and 5 seconds later Mr. C is buckling? I don't think so.) Little Miss-behavior then somehow manipulates the play so that GARY is playing Bloody Maryin drag opposite Travis to fuel and expose his man-crush on him-diabolical. After some more hateful sabotage moves by Honor, we see a totally unexpected and startling transformation as she starts to actually fall for sweet, innocent Michael and helps Travis tastefully come out to the whole school (Coach Dad wasn't surprised, he already knew-news flash, most parents do!) About the time Honor stops annoyingly breaking the 4th wall (confessing "Yes, I'm a virgin-who here is worth it") and she realizes the play is a metaphor for her ambitions, she does a 180. I won't give it away but players get played and a startling twist in creepy Calvin's office (sign on wall-Dad's Garage 24 Full Service) justice is served and we are left with an ending no one saw coming. I was annoyed at first by the glib comments to the audience by Honor breakin that wall until I realized-SHE'S like a high school Avery (wo) Mann! No wonder I loved this movie that starts with a lot of hate and ends with a lotta heart! MTSR is a solid GREEN. If you like teen coming of age movies, this is a gem-watch it. That's all for the turkey leftovers this weekend, start your diets on Monday. This was sAvery Mann, until we feast again!
"They're baaack." Carol Ann-POLTERGEIST II (1986) A BIG welcome back to all the actors and writers who settled their strike and are now returning to work doing what we love to do-entertain the people! And also...I"M BACK, BITCHES! It's your crotchety old curmudgeon, the mann you love to hate and (secretly) hate to love, the all, the every-AVERY MANN! The hiatus is over and I'm ready to skewer some more movies like shish kebabs. (You didn't really think someone as annoying as me would go away that easily, did you?) Anywho, this weeks victim is the 70's ish action thriller COPSHOP. This shoot em up flick stars perennial tough guy veterans Gerard Butler and Frank Grillo, along with newcomer Alexis Louder holding her own against these menacing bad boys. The movie opens cutting back and forth between scenes of con artist /fixer Teddy Murretto (Grillo) fleeing in a shot-up cop car on the freeway and the local Gun Creek City cops Duane and Valerie Young (Louder) getting lunch at a food truck IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! I mean this truck (Siesta Burger-The Burger of your Dreams "Eat a burger, Have a Nap" written on the side?) is parked in the desert surrounded by buttes and mesas, with no other civilization around. Yet, there are the two cops and several other people enjoying their lunch (and subsequent naps, presumably) in a place where there doesn't even appear to be a road. What the fu-jita? Duane tells Valerie he bought his daughter a gun for her 21st B-day (what a Dad!) and Valerie demonstrates her six-shooter quick draw moves. (This chick has seen way too many Clint Eastwood movies.) Meanwhile, on the run Teddy's car breaks down and he is forced to flee on foot, looking over his shoulder the whole way, and makes it to a casino IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE! (Sensing a theme here). Officers Val and Duane are called out to break up a fight at the casino and sketchy Teddy comes up with the brilliant idea to sucker punch Val and get arrested, presumably to escape and hide from his yet unseen pursuer. (NP here-he punches her on the cheek and her glasses go flying but don't bend or break? C"MON!) Teddy is taken to Gun Creek City cop shop-a gigantic modern-looking facility IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE once again, no town in sight. What gives? As Teddy is escorted up the stairs, we see a nice foreshadowing shadow loom in the darkness of the entrance-the pursuer is on to him. As they book Teddy, they notice he has been shot-big surprise-and Duane orders Val to take him downstairs, get him stitched up! WHAAAT, they have a hospital in this cavernous modern jail? Nope, it's just Valerie the rookie officer taking out the bullet and stitching Ted up. NO jail in the country has surgeon officers or a place to perform that duty, even if she was also a paramedic-so that's hilarious. Meanwhile, clever hit man Bob Viddick fakes a drunk driving crash into abandoned cop car being investigated by state troopers to get incarcerated with his quarry. (NP 2-When Duane is asked by troopers if they can house Bob, he says "Yah, it's a slow night, bring him down" The sprawling copshop could house a thousand prisoners-I'd hate to see a busy night!) Bob is housed in cell across hall from Ted (Can't put DUIs in same cell-policy) and they exchange stories across the corridor. Another drunk is then booked and put into Bob's cell!? WHAT?...about that policy officers? (Two nit-picks here, at 25 min in we see Bob's I-watch counting down to 0:00 and a smoke bomb goes off in PD station, creating a diversion. Cops didn't confiscate watch at booking? And also, jail is modern but has KEY-locked cells-NO!) We cut to news story of AG William Fenton's murder, prime suspect Teddy has been arrested 22 times before, but NO CHARGES processed?-something is up here. Smoky diversion allows Bob to assault other drunk in cell and get the drop on Duane, shooting him with his gun and shooting at Ted until tough chick Valerie arrives to stop him. Order restored, they take lippy drunk to infirmary (REALLY) and super Val can't wait for Dr. so she performs tracheotomy on pt. herself-she is one tough rookie officer, I tell you what. Back at the cells, we find out Ted was in on AG's murder and fled with the money, Bob dispatched to bring him back DOA. Insider PD cop Huber alerts baddie principals of the operations' progress and ultra-evil assassin Anthony Lamb shows up with balloons to finish the clean-up. This wise-cracking killer is COLD-blooded and takes out a bunch of cops and secures a 9 mm automatic weapon from the armory and pursues Valerie. She barely escapes wounded into the lock-up wing and seals it off behind her. (NP here-Lamb fires enough rounds to finally break through bullet-proof glass barrier (maybe possible) but when steel security door is engaged, the bullets fired make HUGE dents in reinforced steel door-NOT POSSIBLE!) Comedian killer Lamb tries to bust in to lock-up through concrete wall (he steals all the scenes he's in-calling Viddick "Sideshow Bob" nice Simpson's reference at 57.30 in and exhorting Huber with "Come on, Thor" as he forces him to bust down the concrete wall with a sledgehammer. This guy's great , best lines in the movie.) Shot up Val trusts Ted and lets him loose to get her help from the infirmary, as she is almost dead from gunshot. Meanwhile, other non-dead cops return to station, see dozens of shells, go to investigate hammering sound, and are too stupid to be on alert when they see officer Huber hammering at wall with unknown civilian watching him? UM...dead. Then Lamb and Teddy chase each other around dead zone copshop and Bob catches and kills Huber-shooting him in the balls 3 times then tazing him in the balls for good measure -OUCH! Bob and Lamb then square of, with Lamb stabbing knife through Bob's hand, No pain, no worries, Bob turns knife around and slits Lambs throat. (Sorry to see him go-best character in the movie.) Movie then turns into a cat and mouse pursuit between Ted and Bob (who had Ted's ex-wife and daughter killed, by the way-grudge much?) As the two villains pursue each other, Val reappears looking strong and hale. (Thought she was almost dead earlier-miraculous recuperative powers of the super cops, I guess.) More incredible pursuits in the dark station ensue with unlimited clip mode in full force on weaponry, then a dumb russian roulette scene allows SuperVal to take down Ted. Earlier Val summoned outside cops arrive, more shoot-outs both good guys and bad and Val is shotgunned, but she is too tough to take down. As ambulance arrives to save her, she commandeers it to pursue surviving bad guy (which one? You'll have to watch to find out!) Overall, great action and writing twists outweigh numerous plot flaws and I liked the movie enough to give it a MTSR of GREEN-good old-fashioned shoot-em-up fun! It's great to be back and as a bonus I will have another holiday weekend review for you this weekend, thanks for coming back! A.M.
It's your voice of reason, Avery Mann, and I regret to inform you that in a show of support and solidarity with my fellow Screen Actor's Guild members and our Writer's Guild of America brothers (and also since there are no new movies to review) that PLOTFLAWS.COM is going on hiatus until we can settle this strike business. I will return when the greedy producers and money men can reach an agreement that we need each other and see a future for humans in this business we ALL love and not let it fall under the control of AI computer writers and CGI animation actors who resemble our favorite stars, but lack the soul and emotion of REAL PEOPLE! Hope to be back soon, Avery. (Ed. note -I begged him not to do this and possibly have his several dozen followers lose interest and forget about him, but he is a man of conviction and principals-as we all should be, I guess. Let's hope this strike ends soon for all our sakes!)
Hey everybody, it's this worlds version of Avery Mann coming at you light-speed with this week's movie review. Tonight we're venturing back into the DC Universe(s)? and checking out THE FLASH. This film stars everybody's favorite (least) mentally ill messiah, Ezra Miller. This they, oh boy..............(ed. note-I came into the office to find Avery slumped over his laptop, nodding his head back and forth and muttering, a look like sour milk on his face. WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO HIM? "Avery, snap out of it!") HUH, anyway this wretched human's personal mess of a life aside, he is good at this character so let's leap in. The movie opens with Barry Allen (the aforementioned Flash) getting his coffee on the way to work (smart-ass barista says "You running a marathon or something?" and later "Was that fast enough for ya?" I see what you did there, HA HA) when he is paged by Batman's Alfred to save a hospital in Gotham City. Seems the big guy is chasing some thieves/terrorists with stolen bio-weapons and Wonder Woman is ghosting him, so the C-team and Barry it is. Barry/Flash poses and takes off for the hundred (thousand?) mile jaunt from Metropolis to the scene in Gotham. We see Gotham City pop. is 10,764,388, which would place it just under Metropolis' 11,000,000 or so. (Aside here-Both Gotham City and Metropolis are intimated to be akin to New York City in our world. If not, we don't have 2 cities that populous that close together. Just sayin.) As Flash arrives at 30+ floor hospital (Really! No hospital is that tall and if there was one, they wouldn't be puttin' the newborns on the top floor!) predictably the East wing falls over, pitching babies and 1 nurse into the air. The weather report for today is partly cloudy, with a 100% chance of falling babies, take your umbrellas , folks. Flash goes into hyper-speed hero/savior mode and the plot flaws start raining down. (First big NP- the whole East Wing is pitching over and we only see the babies being saved-where are the other 30 floors of people tumbling out and down?) Starting about 8 min. in, we see a falling microwave cook a burrito for an energy reboot for Barry(How? It's not plugged in, how can it beep?) One baby is contentedly sucking his thumb as he speeds to his death?! Flash saves them all and the nurse (including 1 baby he tucked in his no longer needed microwave for safekeeping-it hilariously dings at the end of the save scene at the bottom to remind Flash to take baby out-he's done!) We then cut to Batman chasing the dirty germ-stealing varmints across the city on the Bat-bike. (Big NP here-Batman is tethered by a STRONG cable to fleeing vehicle as they cross over a bridge. He is leaping across divider from one side of lanes to the other. How does cable not wrap around the bridge support uprights when he is on other side of them?) Vehicle crashes and Batman is holding bad guy by his arm and losing his grip, the open briefcase of germ vials threatening to fall into river, contaminating all of Gotham City. Wonder Woman shows up in the nick of time, saving them with her golden lasso. (NP-when briefcase was hanging it was wide open, pulled over the top to safety, it was shut! WHAT?) Under the truth-telling grip of the lasso, we get Batman's funniest line ever-"My ego is FAR too big to say thank you to someone else!" Ha, we always knew it. He also says he wishes he could go back in time and save his parents. The light bulb goes on over Flash's head and he gets the always disastrous idea to do just that to save his mom. Work done, he heads back to his dingy apartment across from WHIZZ comics and GRAYSON'S barber shop. (Where is Robin anyway? Haven't seen him in many movies, did Chris O' Donnell kill the character's part?) Barry heads to his dad's parole hearing , but there is still no clear evidence to exonerate him. Barry reconnects with an old high school flame covering the story, some awkward fumbling ensues, and then it's decided. Back to the future! (More on that later.) I mean back in time with the Speed Force created Chronobowl (these terms, I mean-WOW) change his mother's dying, and then return-all fixed. As we know, this always goes well! Flash returns to the past, puts the tomatoes in his mother's cart and heads back, only to be knocked out of the time bubble (by a mysterious someone) and landing in 2013-right when he first got his powers. He heads to his old house and sees his younger self arriving for dinner with his Mom still alive! (Classic dad joke -"Is that Barry...early? What universe is this? So fitting.) Flash reveals to his 18 yo self to get to the police lab to get your powers, son. Lighning explodes through chemicals and both Barrys, causing young Barry to get speedy and Flash loses his powers, didn't see that coming. (As they are laying there, out, shaped like a bolt with a perfect circle of fire around them-I mean c'mon!) The Barrys have a brainstorm sesh with YB's buddies where we learn in this timeline Marty McFly was Eric Stoltz (it originally was!) Michael J was Footloose and Kevin Bacon was Maverick ala Top Gun. No, no, no says powerless Flash, where is Superman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman (especially her, he thinks) and Batman? The 2013 think tank doesn't know about the first 3 but there IS a Batman in this timeline. (reality? time stream? multiverse? which is it?) And this is where they lost me and I stopped caring about the story (just watching it out for the eye-popping visuals, which ARE good.) Not to Nit-Pick too deep, but if there is such a thing as time travel, there has to be TIME as a constant, consistent, relative concept. So when they go to crumbling ruined Wayne Manor and come across a 60 something Michael Keaton as Batman-THAT IS WRONG! It could be a different actor than Ben Affleck, but Batman in 2013 would be someone 10 years younger than Ben Affleck's 2023 version if the different timelines (realities? universes?) obey the law of TIME-that's it, no arguments. (Incidentally, at 59 min. in, wed get Flash's best line as nothing is working out-"I broke the Universe!" More than he yet knows-twerp!) Anyway, they talk old Keaton out of retirement and it's off to Russia to find Superman. (NP here-Batman hypothesizes with spaghetti that changing an event in time can cause ripple changes to things both before and after the event-WRONG! The things before have already happened-can only be changed by preceding them.) Turns out the Russkies have Kara Zor-El, Superman's hot cousin. They free her and go back to take on General Zod (same great Michael Shannon), who is invading Earth for a new home for his peeps. First, we need to get Flash back his wheels and there is a hilarious scene where we see a cable running up into the sky connected to a floating Bat signal, so lightning can strike it and run down to Dr. Frankenstein's lab, through the chemicals and re-ignite Flash's spark. (Ben Franklin flashback, anybody?) Attempts fail, of course, and Supergirl carries Flash up for a lightning charge-restoring his powers. Young Barry re-purposes a Bat suit for himself to handle the speed heat (he cuts off the ears with a hacksaw-so funny) and theyask Batman to help them take down Zod. This gives him a chance to dust off his classic 1989 line-"You wanna get nuts?...LET'S GET NUTS!" Then the new rag-tag makeshift Justice League is off to get Zod and his boys. (At 1:45 in, we get a "C'mon Barbie"..."Let's go party" exchange between the Barrys-a box office shot maybe?) During the showdown with Zod, we learn he intercepted Kal-El's pod to extract some Kryptonian codex or other nonsense to aid his redesigning of humanity or something, and killed baby Superman. Supergirl is PISSED and the League engages Zod's forces, only to fail again and again. Young B wants to keep hitting the re-set and keep trying, but the repeated attempts and do-overs are crumbling the Multiverses to implode. (We see some nice fleeting images of alternate realities with George and Christopher Reeves, Helen Slater, Adam West, and even Nicholas Cage as Superman (he almost was) fighting giant bugs! I wanna see THAT movie!) Not to give away everything, but Flash realizes the only way to fix it is to let his Mom die to restore normal reality in the present. Young B is not down with that and ends up fighting an old recurring version of himself to bring it confusingly full circle, stopping the worlds from colliding (George Costanza reference thrown in for free.) Back at the parole hearing in the restored present timeline, Dad is exonerated since the Wayne Enterprise enhanced security footage shows him looking up to get tomatoes from the top shelf. Final NP here is that he put tomatoes back in same hole on shelf they came out of and the tomatoes already go from the top to the bottom of the aisle and it doesn't show Flash rearranging them. Dad wouldn't reach for the top one with cans right in front of him. Then after court, he calls his buddy Bruce Wayne. He shows up and this time it's OLD George Clooney (boo!) as the Caped Crusader?! WHAAAAT? Much as I like me some superheroes, this offering was too convoluted, forced, and illogical to follow and I'm giving this Flash (in the pan) film (and Ezra Miller) a MTSR of RED.
Greetings fellow cinephiles and welcome to the balcony! (I kicked Statler and Waldorf out-they were being too loud and disruptive) It's me, your on-going (and on and on...) host Avery Mann and this week we're taking on JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 (Why not me, he's taken on everyone else.) Before we jump in, I just want to make one observation-I think that John Wick is the incarnation of Neo from the Matrix in his (our?) world. If the multi-verse is a thing, there's a lot of bad-asses out there, so beware. This lengthy episode of the JW saga opens with John nursing himself back to health in the care of the Bowery King (Laurence Fishburne) . We see JW pounding his fists bloody on a rope board, then at 3.30 in there is no sign of blood or damage to the hand! Mr. excommunicado then races across the Morroccan desert to exact vengeance on the Elder at his plateau lair. (Nit-Pick here-You got this plush set-up on a plateau and no tent around it? Sand in your food much? One big sandstorm and it's history. And another thing-John's ring finger seems to magically grow back and disappear again through the course of the movie, keep an eye out for that!) Back at the NY Continental, the Table didn't take too kindly to John's little vendetta and dispatches the Marquis (our old buddy Pennywise himself-Bill Skarsgard) to excommunicate hotel manager Winston (Marquis-"Second chances are the refuge of men who FAIL!" great line) shooting his buddy Charon, you know, just for spite, and blowing up the hotel. The Marquis then un-retires legendary BLIND! assassin Caine (nice touch with the name) to kill JW or his daughter gets it. Now I like the IDEA of a blind ninja, but C'MON! Sharp hearing and sensitive skin are one thing, but no one ever tried to take you out with a sniper rifle out of earshot? Anywho, John flees to the Osaka Continental for help from his buddy Koji (JW seems to have made very good friends in high and low places-he must be a very nice man when he's not killing.) The Marquis' lackey Chidi and Caine arrive, along with a small army of what appears to be black armored Stormtroopers!? Now before we get to the Slaughta at Osaka, there is one thing you have to understand (and then totally disregard) about ALL John Wick movies. The lengthy battle scenes are conducted like a video game with the unlimited ammo cheat code turned on. Sure, occasionally you'll see someone grab a new clip or weapon for show, but there isn't a gun in the world that can hold enough bullets for some of these exchanges. So remember to forget that. Cue up massive battle and Caine shows no sight-no problem, killing at will, with a blind superman punch thrown in for good measure. (another nice line-after almost everyone is annihilated, Caine hollers over to John "You dead John?" If JW didn't answer, would Caine just go away?) Mysterious bounty hunter Mr. Nobody (and his dog, of course-it wouldn't be a Wick movie if we didn't have a dog to care about) steps between the final showdown and allows JW to escape, claiming the bounty isn't high enough to be worth it. (And by the way-how did the bounty on John drop from a high of 50 million to JUST 18 million? If all these chumps are failing to get him, shouldn't the bounty go higher? Next John heads back to NYC to catch up with his fellow ex Winston (the always great Ian McShane) at Charon's grave. Winny comes up with the great plan for John to challenge the Marquis to a duel (these wacky Table rules!) Problem is JW has to be sponsored by a crime syndicate to play, so we're off to Berlin to see if the Ruska Roma family will endorse him. (ever more frenemies). Adoptive sister Katia tells him the membership re-admission fee is to kill High Table member Killa (really) Harkan, who murdered her father. (There's ALWAYS a catch with these people. And isn't that what got him in this mess in the first place?) Off to ghost face Killa's club to meet up with now allies Caine (he was double crossed) and Mr. Nobody (and dog). They play a litlle poker (John has the superstitious AA88 hand, Caine has four 9's (how does he know that?) and the low-down cheatin' Killa pulls 5 of a kind. Time for guns to blaze! (NP here-1:22.30 in there's a WW3 gun battle raging above and these rain dancing fools down below keep clubbin' instead of fleeing for their lives? NO!) Flashdance Wick chases Killa through club and punches his lights (and gold tooth) out before killing him. (Killa-"Why don't you just die?" Many think it, none can do it). John plays gold tooth fairy and delivers it to family-Welcome back Jardani Jovonovich! Meanwhile, in Paris Winston challenges Marquis as John's 2nd to the now-sanctioned duel at sunrise at Sacre-Coeur (sacre bleu!). Weasel Marquis forces Caine to fight for him (or the kid gets it) and the Table's emissary the Harbinger (veteran character actor Clancy Brown-you know him, you just don't remember where from) instructs them not to be late or its curtains for them. Predictably, M raises the bounty to 26 mil, forcing John to fight through hordes of baddies to get to the venue on time. (There's a beautiful nod to the 1979 classic movie THE WARRIORS where we see a sexy lipped black woman DJ spinning records as she announces the bounty increases "This golden oldie...and I do mean hit!-fantastic!) Luckily for him, the Bowery King arrives with a fresh Kevlar body suit and a special unemptyable gun. Dirty dog double crosser Mr. Nobody is bumped up to 40 million dollar payday and (as his kind does) switches sides again, comin for John. Chidi tries to kill Mr. Nobody's dog and John stops him, causing Mr. N to abandon his bounty quest in gratitude. (Note to JW movie villains-DON'T MESS WITH THE DOGS! It's bad for your health.) Lengthy car and foot chase ensues (NP-why are 6 cars going the wrong way on the Arc de Triomphe roundabout? They're not the bad guys, are they confused Americans like Clark Griswold? NP 2-At 1:59.15 in, how is John shooting through his own windshield during chase?) Bouncing off a few cars (no problem) and let's head up a few stairs to the french O.K. Corral for the final showdown. Our hero gets almost to the top and then gets kicked down 4 flights of 25 stairs, gets up, and then down 100 more. (Now I know he's John Wick and he has this indestructible Kevlar suit, but wouldn't his egg be scrambled from all the bouncing and jarring on the stone steps?) But he valiantly shakes it off and wins his way back up, making it just in the nick of time. Chicken boy Marquis taps the blind assassin Caine (really, how's that work?)to fight John for him. They exchange a few shots (and quips-JW "Those who cling to death...LIVE" and Caine "And those who cling to life...DIE") until somehow the sightless Caine severely wounds John. Predictably, rat bastard Marquis Pennywise steps in to deliver the coup de grace and let's just say this is the one time where counting the bullets mattered! The Harbinger absolves John and Caine of their sins and Winston is reinstated at the newly rebuilt NY Continental. We close with Winston and the Bowery King standing at John Wick's grave next to his wife Helen. Is he REALLY dead? Only John Wick 5 knows for sure-stay tuned! Although extremely long with lots of filler and intricate backstory, the action keeps it moving along briskly. The visual spectacle and the fights are fantastic and worth the time, so I am going to give JW: 4 a MTSR of GREEN. (Did you think I wouldn't, I don't want JW/Neo coming after ME!) That's all from the balcony this week, don't forget your belongings when you leave.
Hey everybody, welcome back to the cauldron. Avery Mann here and this week we're stirring up the foamy wilderness thriller RIVER WILD (2023). The plot of this white water rafting adventure sounded familiar and, sure enough, there was a 1994 Curtis Hanson film called THE RIVER WILD (we'll just drop THE, change the plot a little bit, and BAM-new blockbuster hit! Honestly Hollywood, have you completely run out of new and original ideas?) It starred Kevin Bacon (typical) and Meryl Streep (WHAT?!), so that's some pretty,...pretty... pretty big shoes for Adam Brody and Leighton Meester to fill. Let's push off and see how they fare, shall we? The movie opens with Joey Reese driving out to Kootenai River Adventures, a white water rafting outfit her brother Gray runs. She is taking a little me time from her stressful job (she's a doctor) and uncertain boyfriend (at 1.50 in this winner texts her "If you hear a banjo playing, run." SO hilarious and original). She arrives happy to see her estranged brother Gray and NOT so happy to see Trevor, their old mutual friend and troublemaker. Trevor is an ex-felon and on probation for some shadowy prior offense involving Gray that we never quite get explained properly. With paying customers Van and Karissa in tow, the fivesome heads down the sudsy road. (NP here-would you be sitting on the side of the raft, not anchored in, going down a Class 2 rapids? NO!-man overboard proves it ). (2nd NP-at 19.30 in, Joey gets another side-splitting text from comic genius BF "banjo emoji, banjo emoji, music note-hope you're having fun" Oh, I hate this guy! And in all fairness, shouldn't Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, and especially Ned Beatty all get a dime for their estates every time this old trope is used?!) First night campsite and the expected boozing and flirting ensue (Gray is sober and begs off). Van goes to take a leak, pervert creep Trevor follows her and BAM-she screams for help, her head cracked open from a concussion. Dr. Joey examines her, stating urgent need for concussion care (Van confides in her drunken bum Trevor attacked her and pushed her down). At 22.50 in, Gray says that the SAT phone is dead-they can't call for extraction. (The major problem of the movie is here-Trevor was supposed to charge the phone but didn't. This implies he was up to some skullduggery before the trip even started-it didn't change to desperation due to the attempted sexual assault. If he was planning to kill them all and raft to safety in Canada, he could have done it any time so what the hell?) Anyway, they try a dangerous night flight down raging rapids (Where did they get the night lights for their helmets anyway? Didn't see them earlier and I wouldn't think night cruises to be part of the tour.) Trevor tries to paddle/sabotage the raft to hide his dirty little secrets, but fails and they portage to the Ranger station. Trevor beseeches Gray to lie for his felonious ass ("I did 3 years for you!" Suspicious ranger Walt pulls gun on them and Trevor struggles for it, eventually stabbing Walt with a knife as he apologizes for it-"You alright, Walt?" What an effer he is! Trevor now has gun and nobody is calling anyone for help. Guily-conscience, cowed , indebted Gray helps Trevor stage a fake truck death for Walt and its back to the river for a freedom run to Canada. Van dies en route and Joey signals a hiker, who comes to help later-BAM dead with three bullets to the back for his efforts. We are then treated to the delightful tied-up campfire story of how Trevor statuatory raped Joey while on a Snake River excursion years ago, while Gray looked the other way! Nice, bro. As crew is burying hiker, Karissa manages to grab hikers knife from pack. Load up the raft ("I need hostages, like you said") and Karissa pokes hole in raft, forcing a repair pit stop. (Incidentally, why didn't anyone paddling the raft attempt to conk Trevor upside the head with an oar edge? At worst it would have knocked gun and killer out of the raft.) ONCE AGAIN (see Cabin review) supposedly sharp hunting knife takes over a minute to cut through bungie cords-these knives must just be for show. Expected struggle for gun ensues as the girls run for their lives. (Major NP here-much bigger Gray is choking/drowning Trevor underneath him in river but he somehow reaches up and flips Gray over the top of him with ONE HAND?! Physics again people-not possible unless he's really Superman! Gunshot sounds and fleeing Joey goes back for brother while Karissa goes for help. She lures pot-shotting Trevor away (How many clips does he have for Walt's gun anyway? Answer-none Plotflaw!!) Joey circles back and gets gut-shot Gray into raft (which seems fine now-how?) and they race for the border to thwart Trevor. Not to be deterred, he wastes a couple of kayakers with his unlimited ammo cheat code and races off in pursuit. Heading toward "the Beast" rapids, Joey is still perched precariously on the back edge of raft(?) Faster, psycho-Trevor powered kayak catches up, more fights and struggles, and you can guess the ending-I won't ruin it 4 U. This edition didn't have the OOMPH or the star power of the 90's movie, but the acting was OK. The biggest problem was the vague shadowy past issues which led to this guilt trip-I wasn't buying it. As a result, I'm washing this one out with a MTSR of RED. This has been Avery Mann (todays' Tom Sawyer), see you downstream.
FADE IN SCENE: (camera zooms down on ring announcer Michael Buffer, standing center ring) ANNOUNCER: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's Main Event! Introducing in the yellow corner, the challenger-Avery Mann (representing the PEOPLE). And in the green corner, the undisputed heavyweight champion of Hollywood-STEVEN SPIELBERG (representing the STUDIOS)-loud cheers erupt. ANNOUNCER: LLLETS GET READY TO RUMMMBLLLE!!! (editors note-...avery?...AVERY! Wake Up! You have to do this week's article.) Huh?...What? Oh sorry, I must have dozed off there. Hey everybody, it's Avery Mann and welcome to this week's E.xtra T.errific episode of Plotflaws! Tonight we take on the mighty (one of my favorites) Steven Spielberg and his semi-autobiographical growing up to love the movies tale THE FABELMANS. We open on Jan. 10, 1952 in NJ, and little Stevey, I mean Sammy Fabelman is going to his first motion picture (THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH) with his doting supportive mother Mitzi and his practical scientific engineer father Burt. Sammy is mesmerized by the train crash scene and catatonically rides home after, while Burt remarks "I can never tell where our house is with all these Christmas lights." "Just look for the one that's dark, that's ours." replies Sammy.(As they drive down the street, EVERY house has elaborate light displays. What, no other Jews or Scroodges in the whole neighborhood? In my old hood, that house could be dark but it would have plenty of decorations-eggs, toilet paper, soap, etc.) Sammy wants X-mas lights for his Hanukkah present, but Mitzi responds "Jews don't get X-mas lights" and the poor little guy has to settle for sleeping with an oscilloscope. Later he gets a train instead and stages the movie scene, crashing the train into Moses in a convertible and then plowing into his Ark. (First major Nit-Pick-the first time he stages it, the toy car carrying Moses moves down the uneven train RR track by itself-HOW?! And the low speed impacts send the car and Ark flying in the air like an NFL punt-AHHH...NO ! Second later staging with Mom he places car on track with hand-NO MOTION, WHAT?) Train damaged, mad Burt takes it away and reveals his innate cluelessness with the statement "I don't understand? Why does he NEED to see them crash?" DUH, Burt (more clueless behavior to come from this one) Young Sammy has the bug and starts filming all over the place (Mitzi secretly allows him to use Burt's expensive 8 mm camera) We see a big holiday meal with Grandma Hadassah and Burt's business partner and friend (Mitzi's too-with benefits!) Bennie Loewy. At 13.00 min in, Hadassah's searching eyes give us an early tell into the flirty, hanky-panky of Mitzi and Bennie. "He's not your uncle, kids and he's not that funny." snorts Grandma derisively. Meanwhile, rising genius and Biz-Mac inventor Burt has caught the eye of General Electric and offered a big promotion in Phoenix. Mitzi inexplicably (or not) flies off the handle when Burt says he didn't get a job for Bennie too! This oddness is interrupted by little daughter saying there is a tornado (when the funnel hadn't even dropped down out of a partly blue sky?) and Mitzi bizarrely grabbing the 3 kids (not the baby-phew!) and chasing the tornado?! (NP's aplenty here-Mitzi enters car on passenger side-we're not in Europe, koo, koo girl and they pass a lot of storm debris along the chase route, implying the tornado already passed over them-which it couldn't have.) Mitzi finally comes to her senses, stops, and mutters "Everything happens for a reason." Next thing we know, the family is motoring off to Phoenix-WITH Bennie in the back seat! (Mama needs her side action) We see Mitzi, who longed to be a pianist before life set in, playing for the family with long,red nails (on a pianist-NO) and Bennie flirtily chides her with a tic, tic, tic comment-going unnoticed by the oblivious Burt. Back to the flourishing young auteur Sammy, who gets his driver's license and then it's off for a camping trip (NP time-what dad would let their newly licensed son drive the family-pulling a trailer!-down an unmaintained, rugged dirt road? NO DAD, I say!) Family fun, Mitzi gets drunk, Burt reveals IBM wants his jam in Cally-Bennie for SURE not invited this time, and we then 35 min in, witness the most disturbing, inexplicable scene I can remember in a recent big-ticket movie. Mitzi proceeds to do an interpretive X-rated dance in a sheer white see-through nightie (back-lit by auto headlights and filmed by Sammy at Bennie's urging-yuck, pig!) that would have done Josephine Baker proud! Dad and Pig are entranced, Sammy embarrassed, and young daughters horrified (one steps in front to stop exhibition, to no avail). Thankfully, we then cut to the less offensive scene of Mitzi's mom dying in the hospital! (NP-the whole family is in the room-even littlest daughter who seems to be about 3-4? That's inappropriate to me). Mitzi is inconsolable and Burt buys Sammy a film editor to put together a Mitzi montage to cheer her up, which conflicts with his shooting schedule-he has 40 actors and a rented camera on tap for the weekend. Before we can resolve that, Mitzi has a dream her dead ma called and said "I'm scared...don't let him in the house!" Bam, next morning, black sheep uncle Boris arrives. Boris was an early Hollywood roustabout and former circus worker who naturally fires up young Sammy to follow his artistic ambitions-family be damned! ("Family...art...it will tear you in two!") Bad apple Boris leaves (NP-why does taxi meter read $19.57 as they drive away? Did cabbie forget to reset it or is he gouging Boris?-that's a LOT of $ in the 60's.) Sammy shoots his epic war movie-ESCAPE TO NOWHERE (foreshadowing his future brilliance by inspiring a young actor to give an Oscar worthy performance of loss and grief) and when he puts together the Mitzi mash-up, he sees the documented proof of Mom and Bennie's "special relationship". After being cold to Mitzi on opening night at the theater, she rides home with Bennie (there's your proof) and sullen Sammy bristles. (And by the way Samuel-why didn't you drop some hints to Dad about this dalliance? I know a young boy doesn't have the courage to confront his father with this big of an awful secret, but you coulda said "Hey Dad, Mom and Uncle Bennie are awfully chummy, did they know each other before?" or something like that to wake Burt up to reality.) Sammy holds it in and continues to treat Mom like crap and she eventually blows and tries to slap Sam in the face, but he turns and she wallops him on the back, leaving a red handprint mark. (Really? It was so hard it stayed red for hours ruining his lifesaving badge test? Who is she, Rhonda Rousey?) Sammy then shows her the pictorial damning evidence, cathartic Mom/son scene ensues, Sammy says "I won't tell, Mom." and Mitzi hilariously replies "We never really did anything". (Now I'm going to stop you right there, Mr.Spielberg. You can whitewash your story if you like and keep all your family skeletons in the closet, but NO ONE is buying that Bennie and Mitzi weren't shtupping each other on a regular basis. Don't insult our intelligence!) Pissed off Sammy sells his camera in anger before the California move and lo and behold, Bennie just happens to be there to buy him a BETTER camera as a going away present. (Is Bennie maybe Sammy's real father? He seems awful fond of him). He scorns gift but Bennie talks him into it ("Everybody makes movies in California!" and we're off to sunny Cally. A new high school for our hero where all the boys seem to be 6-12'' taller than Sam (what were you in high school Spielberg-like 5 foot nothing?) Cue up the obligatory antisemitic bullying. At 1:21.00 of the movie, Sammy is playing volleyball and supposedly smashes his arm through the net hitting ball and breaks opponent boy's nose, setting the jocks against him. Problem is there is no film evidence that they contacted each other at all, certainly not enough to cause an injury-plotflaw! Back at the ranch, disintegrating Mitzi buys a monkey and names him Bennie (2nd proof positive) and Burt finally catches on, suggesting therapy. "OK, I'll name him something else" Ya, that'll fix it. She agrees to go, then recants and says she's going back to Phoenix to be with Bennie-BAM again, family destroyed by nutsy, artsy, cheating mom. (Pitifully plays the blame game on Burt on the way out "Bennie wasn't your friend, but you knew he was mine!" Sheesh, what a load of crap-good riddance!) Back at school and Sammy gets a beating for being a new Jew and squealing on bully Logan for cheating on his girlfriend with a spicy redhead. (An aside here, back at my H.S., half the students got bullied/beat up on a regular basis for being small, fat, new, weird, etc., so don't make it seem like you had it so rough.)(Another aside-ette, at 1:40.00 in, we see a guy in the background who is portrayed as a high school student, but his hairline screams I'm over 40 if I'm a day! Lets be a little more discriminate in our extras casting, OK genius.) Devout Christian Monica is intrigued by the idea of converting new boy to the path of Jesus and making out. (Monica-"Are you Jewish? Sammy-"Ever since I was circumcised" What shy H.S. boy would say that to a girl he just met? NONE! Just saying.) Relationship blossoms (NP-friend says "Monica is like totally hot for Jesus" NOBODY said "totally "or "like" in 1964, those irritants came in much later on.) Moving on, Monica talks Sammy back into the film business to shoot Ditch Day, Mitzi leaves Burt for Benny, kids cry, and we move on. At 1:50.00 into the movie we get the best line at the prom date. Sammy gives Monica a gold cross necklace as a present and she says "Did you find Jesus?" Witty Sam responds "Yah, in a jewelry store." Hilarious. He asks her to go with him to Hollywood, she laughs and says her plan is to go to Texas A&M. Sam "You're breaking up with me?" Monica "Eventually, you're just such a fun boy to kiss." Cruel, cruel Jesus bitch. Some more cathartic scenes with puzzled bullies and 1 more good line-Logan-"Life's nothing like the movies, Fabelman." Sammy-"Maybe not, but in the end, you got the girl." Final scene with Mitzi-"Follow your dream, blah, blah, blah" and scene with Burt relenting and letting Sam drop out of college to accept job on Hogan's Heroes show. Wrapping it up with one final bit of inspirational nonsense, Sammy shows up for first day on the job and show's creator (hearing the young Sammy is interested in making films himself) asks if he would like to meet the great director John Ford! He takes him to the office for a 5 min. meet. (Secretary says to Sammy "Lose the tie, you'll stand a better chance.-OF WHAT?) Later in the office, John Ford staggers in (hilariously played by the old Maytag repairman guy from the commercials, dirty, with an eye patch, and flaming up a blazing cigar) and asks Sammy to look at his movie posters and tell him what he sees. Sammy starts to describe the posters content and Ford growls "NO, the horizon line must be at the top or the bottom of the shot! It's INTERESTING! Now get the hell out of here!!" Ironic thing is , the movie poster of his classic THE GRAPES OF WRATH clearly shows the horizon line IN THE MIDDLE!! HA, funny piece of inspirational advice for young Steven to remember all his career. Anywho, in summation, this formative tale was WAY too long but somewhat interesting (even the sanitized funny business presented) and should interest Spielberg fans to see how he got to who he is. As big a fan of him as I usually am, this was a sub-par passion project and I will have to give it a MTSR of YELLOW. That's it for this week from the challenger, Avery Mann. Have a good weekend and be good to each other. (P.S. I'm coming for you next, Cameron!)
Greetings, earthlings! I come in peace to inform you of the latest offering on DVD for your viewing pleasure, Wes Anderson's ASTEROID CITY. (Which was released on August 15-the same day I was able to rent it in Redbox! I guess my previous release date rant had an impact-get it?) If you're familiar with Wes Anderson's work (RUSHMORE, THE FRENCH DISPATCH, etc.) you know he's a little out there. And by out there, I mean out in left field-except further out there is the fence, then there is a home run over the fence, and beyond that is the parking lot, and further out yet is the woods, and beyond that further out is where Wes hangs around! This visually stunning, surreal, Loony Tunes-esque movie is presented as a mockumentary program from the 1950's (hosted by a Walter Cronkite like Bryan Cranston) and features playwright Conrad Earp (a Tennessee Williams like Ed Norton) framing his play/parable ASTEROID CITY. It is an homage to the Area 51/UFO craze/atomic testing period of the 1950's. The premise of the play is a Junior Stargazer's convention in the town of Asteroid Gulch (pop. 87) where something out of this world transpires! We open on a train riding into town across a gorgeous, pastel colored desert vista. (the train is carrying an XW-37D 10 megaton nuclear warhead labelled: caution: DO NOT Detonate without Presidential Approval. OK...I think I'll take the bus, thank you). Other attendees are arriving by car and bus (at 5.14 in, a roadrunner goes "beep beep" and crosses the road-loony tunes indeed!) The town's claim to fame is the Arid Plains meteorite, which cratered out 5,000 years ago. As we pan up and down the 1 street in town to introduce the play's setting , we see a modern-looking Highway on-ramp-its concrete structure rising up into the desert sky, turning 90 degrees and abruptly ending over the 1 street in town! The sign at the base of the ramp explains it all wonderfully-Route Calculation Error RAMP CLOSED INDEFINITELY (fantastic!) First to arrive is Augie Steenbeck (you mean Steinbeck, punny) and his genius son Woodrow and 3 little daughters. In a flashback scene of the overriding documentary, it shows the actor playing Augie (JasonSchwartzman) dropping trousers and kissing the playwright to secure the lead-NICE! Augie's car breaks down and the garage needs a part to fix it-extending their stay a bit. (First Nit-Pick-goofy garage attendant fills Augie's lighter with the gas pump and he lights his pipe and DOESN'T IGNITE HIS HAND?!) As the family is waiting in the diner, Augie the war photographer spots Midge Campbell famous actress and takes her picture, starting their cat-and-mouse flirty relationship. (NP here-Augie steps out of diner for a breath of fresh and witnesses mushroom cloud blooming just miles away! No danger here!?) Her daughter is one of the 5 junior honorees competing for the coveted Larkings Foundation Award and she takes a shine to Woodrow The fly in this particular ointment is that Augie's wife died 3 weeks ago and he hasn't told the children yet ("The time was never right" he tells grandpa Stanley, played by Tom Hanks). A bus and other cars (one with FRENCH PRESS on the side! Plug much?) with other attendees arrive (with fantastic license plates from states like "the Not Now state, the Barren state, and the Men Can state") and they check into the motel, staffed by the zany Steve Carell. J. J. ( Liev Schreiber ) shows up with his wonder kid, doing his best Howard Hughes impression and the other parents and kids are just as weird and quirky. A little bit about the motel-it's just a bunch of bungalows (#7 burnt down so it's just a tent!) and the office has spectacular 50's style vending machines where you can get a martini! or buy real estate!! (10 quarters for a ten square lot)-classic. There are abundant running jokes (the roadrunner appearances, a car chase recurs, a singing cowboy band led by Montana, funny signs, the word SOAPY?, etc.) and weird anachronisms (Galacto-tron limitless scope telescope, the kids' inventions are way far scientifically and technologically advanced, military displays and equipment). Forward to the convention welcome and the honoree's inventions are announced, each odder and more unbelievable than the last (including a device that can project images that can be seen on the moon!). The first scheduled event is an astronomical ellipse at midnight (put on your head box viewers). As the crowd sees the 3 lights in their viewers, a 4th light appears and it is an actual UFO coming down above them! A ladder telescopes down from the Louvre-like green lit ship and a skinny alien appears (looking like a burnt-up Jack Skellington) and grabs the Arid Plains meteorite-yoink! Cue the expected military overreaction and everyone is quarantined and oddly questioned about the event. We get some interspersed scenes of the documentary behind the scenes story (mostly boring and unfunny with one exception-at 1:06.55 we are looking at Midge waiting to take a shower at the communal showers which have lattice enclosures (hubba, hubba!) and the documentary host Bryan Cranston sidles in next to her (in a color suit, not the documentary B/W version) and says as Midge oddly looks at him "Am I not in this? ...Excuse me" and sidles out. Nice touch breaking that 3rd wall, Wes!) Anyhow, the story breaks thanks to the wunderkinds breaking the story with their genius high-tech ways, exposes the military cover-up, and Asteroid City becomes a tourist mecca. The kids try to contact the aliens, the quarantine is lifted, the alien comes back and returns the asteroid (alien is played by Jeff Goldblum in the documentary back scenes -perfect) and the power mad military re-institutes the quarantine per Dwight D. Eisenhower and General Gibson. Alright, enough is enough say the quarantine-ees and they revolt using the kids high tech toys to put down the inferior military might of the Gov' ment. More cuts to the explanation of the play backstory (Conrad Earp the playwright dies in a car crash 6 months into its run, giving the play documentary worthy immortal status) and it wraps up with the quarantine lifted again and Augie and Midge exchanging digits and riding off separately into the sunset. In summation, this beautifully filmed, quirky lesson in love and loss and cautionary tales is kinda hard to follow and not for everyone, but if you're a Wes fan and you like the offbeat , thinking kind of story-this one is out of this world! My MTSR for this one is YELLOW.
TGIF everybody, it's your weekend video guide Avery Mann and welcome to the 10th episode of Plotflaws! (and they said I wouldn't last, huh) Special shout out to #dadjokedane fans, welcome! Ironically enough, this week's film happens to be the 10th entry in the FAST AND FURIOUS franchise (excluding HOBBS AND SHAW) the turbo-charged non-stop action thriller FAST X (get it, 10). Now this ride requires a complete suspension of disbelief for admission, that's always a given for these kind of movies. (Remember that FAST 9 had a rocket car launch Tej and Roman into space to destroy a satellite, and then safely land at the ISS for a ride home!!!) That being said, there are two groups of people (and there are a lot of each) who attend these movies (and few people in between): First are the die-hard fans of the franchise who have seen every movie and know every line and plot and explosion. They understand all the never-ending parade of characters (who we are somehow expected to care about when we barely get to know them) and their relationships to each other. The second group are those people who will see popular movies with pretty people and eye-popping, mind blowing visual extravaganzas regardless of story-like a kitten watching a laser targeted disco ball at Studio 54. These 2 groups together =BIG box office, so let's leave physics and gravity behind and race into this review. Since a large part of the movie defies something, I won't be pointing them all out-we'd be here until EVEN FASTER XI comes out! (I will have to point out a few extreme whaaat's though.) As the movie begins, we flash back 10 years (to FAST 5 times) to set up the revenge plot line of the son of drug lord Hernan Reyes wanting to kill Dom as revenge for killing his father and torching the family fortune. My first Nit-Pick here is if Dante (Jason Momoa-whose character WASN'T in FAST 5) is so ruined and poor, where is he getting the zillions of dollars to finance this vendetta? (A quick NP nod to Fast 5's physics-2 super-charged street cars can pull a loaded bank vault weighing WAY more than them RIGHT OUT OF THE WALL of the fortress by a pair of steel cables and drag it for miles while eluding the chasing bad guys-and the cable doesn't break?! I want some of that cable! Anyway, we cut back to the present and a festive barbecue at the Dom and Letty ranch with crew and family. (NP-No way Han would get that many date matches that fast!) Abuelita Toretto toasts what a great and close family they are (Yup, car thieves, felons, and criminals all, lots to be proud of there, Grandma!) . Roman and Tej get a job from the Agency to steal a computer chip in Rome, which turns out to be a set up by Dante. Hated enemy of the crew Cipher shows up (the always luscious Charlize Theron) and tells Dom that Dante busted in, paid off and stole her crew (again, where is all this money coming from po' boy?) and her tech to find Dom and his for vengeance. (He delivers this villain gem of a line "You wanna control the world, I just wanna PUNISH it!) And how did she not die in the elevator freefall escaping from him? Dom and Letty head to Rome to foil the trap and Dante reveals an evil plan to bomb the Vatican, no less. (Quick aside, Momoa plays Dante like a slightly efeminate Joker character-which mostly works but sometimes seems a little prissy.) Back to the action and the large round bomb (which looks like the sphere from Jules Verne's FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON and must be from the same company that made those cables earlier-ACME Corp. perhaps) goes careening down the hills of Rome like a runaway pinball (more on that soon) towards the Papal palace. Dom saves the day by-get this-driving his trusty Dodge Charger off the bridge, into the top of a construction crane which rotates the concrete bottom base into the round, burning bomb (like a giant pinball flipper-see what they did there) flippering it into the river, where it explodes much less devastatingly-YAY! Dom and car bounce off the crane, land against a concrete wall, and STILL can speed off and elude the cops. What a tough car!!! (must get their parts from that same ACME store!) Moving forward, Letty is captured by the Agency and taken to a Black site prison. Mr. Nobody's daughter Tess (Brie Larson) tells Dom and tells him it's impossible to spring her. Dom calmly states "Nothing is impossible, just gotta have faith." (This movie shows Dom in a middle-aged dad kinda religious philosophical state of mind and it seems a little soft for him at times.) Tess and Agency big boy Aimes cover the franchise's story history and decide at 43.00 in to kill or capture Dom and the boys. Back in LA, brother Jakob (John Cena, bad guy from the last movie, now cherished uncle this time) saves sister Mia and little "B" Brian, Dom's son with Elena. (WHO can keep all these names and relationships straight? I need a scorecard!) Jakob and B head off to the rendezvous spot in his boss Mustang (the ugly, square 70's model-hilarious) and Mia heads to warn Dom they're Agency compromised . Off to Rio now for some street racing for a million dollars, winner take all from Dante. (Again, where is all the money coming from-I know Dante has some computer hacking/stealing skills but C'MON! His evil plan expenditures would double the national deficit!) Little "B"s aunt is one the the racers-oh no!- and Dante of course beats Dom and gets away again, mainly by blowing away the competition-literally! (At 1:06.00 in, how did Dom see those planted car bombs UNDERNEATH the other cars while racing, they were pretty low profile?) Over in London, crew uses Roman's cash stash to buy weapons from Pete Davidson?, who promptly rats them out. , with the "You've got mail" tone mockingly sounding in the background. Then we see Jakob and B on a commercial flight to Portugal, bad guys make them and they disappear into cargo hold. They rig up and drop out of the planes bottom in a Batman style glider-SO COOL... but WHAT! Then we get Deckard involved through Han's urging, racing into action in his RO4D RGE plates super car. (At 1:36.00 in, what was up with the guy in his underwear crawling out of the black zippered body bag-wait, I don't wanna know!) Flash to Letty and Cipher in Black site prison (in Antarctica?! I'd love to be this movies travel agent-you'd have more $ than Dante!) Tess unites Letty and Cipher to escape working together (after an intense but necessary cat fight, of course-MEOW). Meanwhile, Dom is set up in Dante's lair and captured by Aimes, who transports him and then gets jacked by Dante on the bridge. He decides to work with Dom to take down Dante. FINALLY (this movie is more bloated than Brendan Fraser in WHALE) we get to the safe house in Portugal, where Dante steals "B" right off of Jakob's fleeing "cannon car?!". Dom pursues (One last physics NP-how does Dom's supernatural laws of physics defying car outmuscle 2 helicopters hooked to his ride by two of those indestructible cables and crack them into each other-like Moe clunking Shemp and Curlie's heads together?) and Jakob sacrifices himself to help out. The distraction allows "B" to leap about 15 feet from one speeding car to his Dad's magic Dodge, landing perfectly safe. Dom and "B" fall into Dante's trap at the top of the dam sandwiched between two gasoline semi trucks. Triple-crosser Aimes turns again and shoots down crew's rescue plane (seemingly) killing them all. I won't give away the ending that involves more flying cars and perfect dives and sets up the next installment beautifully. Mid-credits we see Hobbs answering a call, Dante claiming he's next! Overly long and with more characters than a chinese typewriter, this movie isn't for everyone. But if you like to go and watch all the pretty eye candy and not worry about the sense of it in a movie that rarely lets up, this will dazzle you-logic be damned! It had enough movie fun for me to give it a MTSR of GREEN.
IIIII'M BAAAAAACK! It's better-late-then-nevery Mann freshly returned from a little R and R time up in the Great North Woods (shout out to Tall Timber Days and the band Lodestone-you guys rocked it!). This week we're resurrecting the EVIL DEAD franchise with the newest slaughterfest EVIL DEAD RISE. (or Evil Dead Urban style) This is the 5th film in the series and the first without cult fave Bruce Campbell appearing. (he does a voiceover though). If you've seen some of the films (from the outstanding first film through various other levels of schlock), you KNOW what you signed up for...so here we go! The movie starts in the familiar mountain lake cabin scenario, where at 3.10 in we see the trademark clock stopping, then starting-signalling the start the slaughter clock. Caleb is flying his drone at the dock (the drone camera viewpoint eerily mimicking the demon onrushing camera shots nicely). Ill girlfriend Jessica (we'll find out why later) starts saying the lines cousin Theresa is reading in her book (mocking in that creepy Ru Paul drag queen kind of voice) and then rips her scalp off with one hand in a move that would have made an ancient warrior proud. (the force is strong in these Deadites, yes). Demon girl then heads to the dock, grabs drone and shreds her face with it, and falls into water (What?) Valiant boyfriend jumps in to save her, we see blood rise and then a waterspout appears (Thar she blows!) and Caleb's head and neck plop down on the dock. Fade out...Fade in to an inner city(?) neighborhood where angsty, newly pregnant Beth is visiting her sister Ellie, a work from home tattoo artist, for advice. Ellie has 3 kids-Bridget (who looks about the same age as mom), Danny, and little Kassy. This sweet little tyke is the kind of girl who likes to cut the heads off dolls and make disturbingly bedazzled totem sticks from them-how precious! The older teens are dispatched for pizza and on the way back in the garage level of the bldg. an earthquake hits. A hole opens in the floor and nosy Dan has to go down in there and check it out (ever hear of an aftershock, genius?). The chamber appears to be an old bank vault (plausible) and a safe deposit box yields a weird book and 3 old phonograph recordings. He also sees a sarcophagus (not so plausible) and peers in to see a corpse move and gets the hell out with his treasures. I wanna know the name of that bank chain, not doing any business there EVER! The flesh-bound book (yuck) with teeth turns out to be a volume of the Naturom Demonto-this movies Necronomicon. The records conveniently include the chants necessary to summon the Deadites-soul possessing demons-into our world. (aside NP-why no B-side label or hit chants?) Dimwit Danny then has to play the records and all hell is unleashed. As boy is playing record, at the end needle goes across label all the way to the spindle-how? there are no grooves on label. Dopey Dan then plays demon summoning recording (which he can't turn off since he dripped blood on the bad book when it bit him opening it?!) and the beast is unleashed! Ellie is returning in elevator (13th floor, natch) and the possession slams into her like a 2 ton drone (see what I did there) and its back to the apartment to slaughter the family-Hi Ho! (NP at 33.30 in-where did all the cables come from that hog-tie Ellie in ellievator? They're too thin to be the lift's cables) Good mother starts to make eggs (shells and all) for loving family, says "It's in me" drops to floor and spews out about 5 gallons of white puke (THAT much milk won't do a body good, I'll tell ya) and seems to drop dead. Panicked family tries to go for help, but stairs are gone(?) and elevator only works sporadically and inconveniently. At 42.00 min in, we see firefly-like lights outside building through window-WHY? Fly crawls across "dead" Ellie's eye, she blinks and it disappears into thin air-HOW? A miracle-mom revives, but is burning up with a hellfire fever. Put her in the cold tub-it boils. Crawl on the ceiling and then attack family-check and check. Bridget gets wounded and eventually turns and they are able to lock mom out in the hall-TIME OUT for you, momma. While banished, Ellie attacks her ex in hall (how did he get in the bldg anyway?) and drops on him and bites his eyeball out! Explain the physics of that one to me, I don't see how it's possible. And another thing-demon mom can bite out eyes and rip people apart but can't break down apt. door (or even break through the safety chain!?) Meanwhile, the family gets a window open and tries to summon help from the bag lady below. Now if it's me at this point, I'm getting a rope or tying sheets together and dropping down to safety-even falling down the last few floors and breaking my legs is better than becoming demonkind! They don't and slaughterhouse 13th floor continues, Ellie taunting victims in her best Drag Racy voice. DEAD BY DAWN, DEAD BY DAWN! (Oh, I almost forgot a couple highlights-after Ellie implausibly bites out eyeball, she spits it across the hall right into Bridget's mouth-BULLSEYE!-causing her to later turn and issue the films best line. She is eating a wine glass and says "I gotta kill the creepy crawlies that got inside my tummy" Classic. Anyway, all the people that come out on lucky floor 13 get killed and become demon inscripted to the cause and only sister Beth and Kassie survive to flee. They try the fickle elevator and it starts to work and close but the fills up with blood. The Deadites all merge into a Transformer super deadite and try to get them through compartment roof. Luckily, at 1:18.00 in, the blood and the Blob overload the 900 max. capacity of the old lift and it crashes down to the garage floor. (NP here-how did the gals NOT get killed free-falling 13 floors? Was it like a blood airbag? ) Moving on we have the big climax in the garage as predictable as sunrise and I'll leave it to you to figure the outcome. My last and biggest Nit-Pick is -why didn't anyone else in the building wonder what the F was going on last night on floor 13? Did they think someone was just having a rager? And no one outside noticed anything or looked in at the post-game mess in the garage until Jessica comes down the next morning for her (relaxing) vacation and gets demon-slammed in the garage, bringing the story full circle to the opening scenes? Not buying it. Even though I usually like these kinds of movies, this one was too silly and fraught with nonsense that I can't recommend it unless you love the franchise, then you'll be in heaven (technically Hell, actually). I also didn't think the urban ghetto setting didn't work as well and I must give this entry a MTSR of YELLOW. That's it for now, see ya later in the week (I'll try not to be late this time) Your boy A-dog, PEACE!
For this week's execution, we head to the DC metaverse and the film SHAZAM! FURY OF THE GODS. This sequel to SHAZAM! (2019) is an odd hybrid of Thor, Transformers, and an awkward teen comedy. The story opens with the daughters of Atlas (first NP early-why is the movie called fury of the gods? Atlas was a Titan.) waltzing in to the museum and hoisting the Wizards Staff. Didn't security know they hadn't hired any costumed actors for the exhibit? They whisk it away to the imprisoned Wizard (not dead after all) who repairs it and is locked back up. Meanwhile, the Super-foster siblings are saving and destroying things left and right. (?-why did cracks appear all over bridge at the same time?) It's tough juggling school, puberty, and super hero life so it's a good thing they have a cool hangout like the Rock of Eternity. It seems like a Harry Potter rip off setting, but whatever. Back at school, predictable bullies bash Freddie and no one helps him...really?! Billy is seeing a pediatrician for his adult super hero angst...double really?!?! Freddie is consoled by new student Ann (I smell a rat-a fox like her going for him) and as he discusses it in the lunchroom with Billy, his Speed Demon energy drink shifts position on the tray for no reason. Back in the joint, Wizard pulls the longest metal sliver out of his fingernail (A-where did that come from and B-didn't that hurt like a bitch?) It somehow flies out and turns into a dream to warn Billy of the Daughters evil plans. (another NP pause-Billy's window was closed before the dream then open after. Did a magical, mystical sliver of light REALLY have to open the window to get in?) Later, back at the Rock, the kids are trying to map the many magical doors for future super endeavors, and Freddie is on the roof trying to woo Ann. He disappears and returns in super hero form as Captain Everypower (haha)! Ann asks him how he met Freddie and he answers "Comicon" (best line). Of course it's all a trap as Ann is the third junior Daughter of Atlas and the other two appear, steal Freddie's power with the revived staff and take him prisoner. Back at Harry Potter's library (AKA the Rock of Eternity back room-and why does it look different each time they show it?) the buddies magically pen an unfunny letter to the gals for Freddie's release (doesn't work) Turns out the sourpuss sisters are still peeved about the staff from the Tree of Life stealing their powers (which they stole from the Greek gods and imprisoned their realm away from our world) and the Wizard killing their father or some such. Any, their plan is to plant a "Golden Apple" (sound familiar) from the Tree of Life in Citizen's Bank Park (go Phillies!) and destroy the Earth or some such. As the gang goes to the Daughter's unnamed lair and prison (why no name?) to free Freddie, Kenny is able to steal the apple unnoticed right under the oblivious wench's nose. They free their pal and Wizard make off, and appear back at the foster home where they FINALLY have to reveal their story to the heretofore clueless parents. The main bitch (Helen Mirren no less, sorry you had to be in this tripe Dame-girls gotta eat, I guess) pursues them and summons the Dragon Ladon for aid. (a mechanical, Transformer-like dragon no less-don't remember reading about any of those in my greek mythology course) And another thing-how did that giant Ladon fit into that house? The apple gets taken back, the gang pursues, apple planted at stadium and super-fast growing giant tree emerges and spawns all the old Greek monsters to take us down! Predictable fight for survival ensues, some daughters change sides to help (and set up puppy love angle later) and the day is eventually saved per formula. The giant, hell-spawning stadium tree crumbles to dust (why was there no police or EMS at the stadium at the end anyway-they have more important things to do?) and Billy is saved by his dream babe Wonder Woman (with another classic line at the end-when he hits on her after reviving him, she says "Stick to saving the world, kid.") In the final analysis, this seemed like a movie that didn't know what it wanted to be and some of the actors seemed to be just going through the motions. It was far inferior to the original, which seemed more fresh and fun. Though genre fans may like it, it was confused enough for me to give it a MTSR of RED.
Good evening and welcome to Plotflaws. Avery Mann here and this week were plucking a low-hanging fruit from the B-movie tree, the SyFy horror film BERMUDA ISLAND. This low-budget thriller is notable ONLY for being the last film appearance of the once great Tom Sizemore (who, in his short time in the film, either looks like a man with one foot over the threshold of death's door or he has an audition for the new Walking Dead show after the scenes were shot). RIP Tom, we'll try to remember you well. Oh, and it's memorable for one other thing-it's the first Plotflaws.com movie to win the Triple Crown Award! (bad writing, bad acting, and bad editing) KUDOS!! Anyway, the movie starts out with a drug deal gone bad, with czar Diego Montalban being captured. This gives the film the excuse to fly the prisoner to Puerto Rico with his FBI entourage unannounced aboard a commercial flight. (on TYKES airline, really? And how does Diego get to wear his same clothes he was arrested in? That doesn't seem right.) The plot flaws come fast and steady early on. At 6.25 in, stewardess picks up phone and makes boarding announcement by speaking into the earpiece?! As everyone settles in, we are introduced to zombie Jonas as an air marshall butting heads with the idiotic FBI boys. We figure it out early as one passenger assures another "Relax, you got nothing to worry about." Kiss of death right there. Since there really isn't much of a plot (plane crashes and survivors swim to monster infested island) I am going to chronicle this epic mess in log form to point out the low-lights. At 12 min. 44 sec. in, Diego lifts cuff keys from oaf 2 as oaf 1 is in next seat watching him-how he not see? At 16.20 plane is struck by lightning (from non-existent storm according to air traffic control) and the seat belt light comes on. Seconds later passengers are up in the aisle harassing poor old Jonas! At 16.45 Diego is able to unlock handcuffs, stand up and gloat with them, AND steal one of the Federal Boobs of Investigation's guns before anyone can react? Nice job (dead) guys. Shoot-out takes down Sizemore (who probably didn't have long anyway, God rest) and others and plane begins it's supernatural (Bermuda Triangle influence?) descent to the sea. At 18.40 stew announces please buckle up (light has been on for minutes now). 19.01 passenger is seemingly talking to someone on his CEL PHONE during the stormy plunge-ah NO! At 19.30 the plane shallow dives into the ocean like a swimmer hitting the pool. Seriously, this "crash" looked like a kid plunging his toy plane into the tub. No explosions or plane breaking up-just a clean dive. (never seen THAT before) I score it a 9.5! Cut to mysterious island where survivors are popping up on the beach looking fantastic and literally unscathed. (Best line of movie is goth rocker Midnite being asked if he is alright and he replies "Do I look alright? I've got make-up in my eyes!" Passengers bond and at 25.00 a guy has a large glass shard in his arm and DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT! No problem, buddy pulls it out and it doesn't even bleed. (see later wound) Tension builds as survivors form into 2 groups-shelterers and foragers. Vic, the head FBI doofus delivers 2 classic lines-"No, we don't need water...we need to build a place off the ground with a BARRIER around it." (No sign of monsters yet-strange line) and later "This is SURVIVAL...no one gives a shit about your opinions!" Hasn't Vic ever seen Naked and Afraid? Unfortunately for everyone, this proves true as monsters appear after dark and start slaughtering the survivors. The creatures are kinda scary except for the red loincloths they wear (modest?) and one minute they are ripping a heart out of a chest and the next they are getting karate kicked into submission. At 42.50 Vic is shooting into the jungle wasting rounds as his people are being slaughtered right behind him and he is oblivious. Suddenly many creatures appear and it's thin the herd time. (Side note from earlier-some victim's achilles tendon is slashed and it squirts like a water pistol...WHAT) Torches seem to scare off the critters but later daytime seems no deterrent to the attacks. We then encounter Bruce-a survivor from out of nowhere who claims his team was slaughtered by the monsters in 5 minutes, but he has been able to survive for OH-100 years! (Ya, time moves different in the Triangle) Bruce seems shady and more stuff happens (gratuitous sex scene, mysterious unexplained walls and structures are discovered, more slaughter at creature lair...blah, blah, blah) At 58.50 the creatures attack the camp and they are caught unaware (no watch or weapons ready?) Some escape to Bruce's home (why is there a "beeping sound" in the background here-is his microwave popcorn done or bad sound editing-I think we know the answer) and he reveals he's been here since WW1! After that, it seems the monsters can attack in the day (Dakota is taken in the day from a nice palm shelter-when did they build that?) Later on at 1:10 min. in, we see Vic training for the monster battle-even though he was killed by a bullet to the head earlier-HUH? Anywho, movie drags on, more people are slaughtered (some by the supposedly dead Vic-who seems to have unlimited ammo?) and in the end Bruce's eyes turn red, he claims "This is my island!" and the movie unexplicably ends. WHAT IS THIS!!! As a triple crown winner, you might think this movie deserves a solid MTSR of RED. But, being in a generous mood, this movie may appeal to slasher fans who don't need a plot and like non-CG carnage, so I'm giving this offering a MTSR of YELLOW.
Hey everybody, it's your man Mann with this weeks offering VENGEANCE (2022). This whip smart gem of a whodunit noir flick is the directorial debut of THE OFFICE star B.J. Novak (who also wrote and stars in the film). And it's a doozy. This film had more twists and turns than a day at Six Flags and the ending was as satisfying as a good coaster ride. It's one of those rare movies where almost nothing is as it seems and no one is who they appear to be (but in a good way). The movie opens with a drone flyover of a party aftermath scene in the desert (with Red Solo Cup playing on the track-nice touch). Zoom over to girl dying by the oil wells with her cel phone lit in her hand. AHA, I thought, why didn't she just call 911? Plotflaw!-but NO, for the first time (of many) I was wrong as this is adequately explained later. We then switch to New York City and the philosophizing pair of shallow, superficial wannabe's John and Ben. Their cynical, smug view of the world is laughable ( John-"my options are burly, strong and turgid"!? Ben-"I care about America...and not in that faded Lana Del Rey way" but it helps set up later parts of the movie. Ben's podcaster wannabe world is disrupted by a cryptic call from Ty, brother of Abilene Shaw, to inform him his "girlfriend" (more on this later) is dead of a drug OD. (Ben vaguely recalls Abby as a several night stand some time ago when he was in Austin doing a story). Ty guilts Ben into coming to the funeral, as he also sees a story angle to selfishly further his own career. He talks his editor Elsie into backing the idea, which they working title as "Dead White Girl" tacky. Ben flies into the local airport and we have our first Nit-Pick at 11.57 in. The door opens and we see laser red dot on Ty's head. Is some sniper trying to take him out before we even get started? (bad editors, BAD!) Anyway, Ty reveals the reason he enlisted Ben's help-they're gonna track down Abilene's murderer for vengeance-as it couldn't have been an OD as Abby "wouldn't take an Advil" per almost everybody. We are then treated to Abilene's stereotypical Texas redneck family (or are they?)-Salty granny Carole, practical mother Sharon, sisters Paris (who wants to be a famous film maker) and Kansas City (who wants to be a famous...celebrity) and little brother Mason (who Ty refers to as "El Stupido, but don't worry-he can't speak Spanish" Ty tells the family of their plan to find the killer for vengeance and Ben says he is going to record everything to document the search for justice on his podcast. Ty's response is "Once people who've read it find out, they'll kill em for us!" Sounds stupid but is it? Stay tuned. Ben then starts his search to find out about Abby (nice FEELINGS sign above her on/off light switch) and the trail leads to local cartel? member Suncholo-your typical drug dealer Mexican type (or is he?) who used to like Abilene and pester her on the phone all the time. We then are introduced to Quentin-her first record producer (and in an oddly played role, Ashton Kutcher). This guy comes across as the Plato of the prairies and inspires a young singer with some rant about the Big Bang and sound and then bullshits Ben with his ramblings to deflect him. This guy seems a little TOO smart to be a hick music peddlar. (Nice line though "Vengeance is the only emotion just about the past...not the present or future". The family takes big city Ben to a football game where he is dressed down for liking Texas over local fave Texas Tech-blasphemy! These hicks all start to show they are more savvy than Ben gives them credit for , starting a change in his opinions. He proceeds to the local cop doofus duo, who claim it's out of their jurisdiction, check with the Sheriff, who refers them to the Hwy Patrol, who claim that's not us-you need the Border Patrol. When all agencies deny jurisdiction, is it non-chalant incompetence or something more? When Ben's Prius blows up as he's coming out of the Border Patrol office, he assumes the cartel is on to him and his editor Elsie tells him to get the hell out. As he is having a farewell dinner at Whataburger (why Whataburger? "because it's always there" claims the family) granny drops the out of the blue bomb "Abilene was always a bit of a PILL POPPER. Mind blown, story turned upside down and it forced a total reassessment of the movie-WOW. Ben is tunned when Ty reveals he lied to Ben to get him down here to expose how people are dying and no one knows-expose it, help us. Ben proceeds to admonish all of them for this preposterous hoax and storms off. He has a revelatory thought that maybe his (and everyone's) casual uncaring lifestyle leads to tragic OD outcomes like this everywhere. Back at the house, Mason reveals that he and Abby had a secret code of 14 35 (which meant I love you mucho) which happened to be Abilene's phone password. Ben opens the phone and figures out many of the missing pieces of the puzzle. He then resolves to find who's responsible to maybe stop the next tragedy. I won't ruin the end of the movie, since it's SO satisfying. It ties up many of the loose ends and misdirections we were led on in the movie. But one final major NP in the final climactic confrontation-how did the first shot come from outside and punctured the tent to the side of the actors? Ben didn't even have his gun up yet! (Also total change of his character's temperament at the end, but we'll forgive) All in all, an excellent well-written, well-acted movie that will have you guessing until the end and have you second guessing about your own opinions and stereotypes in the future. A solid MTSR of GREEN !
Our second movie today is the campy, farcical romp through the woods-COCAINE BEAR. Based (loosely) on a true story!?, this Elizabeth Banks? film tells the story of a mama bear who gets into a dropped cache of cocaine and the addicted carnage ensues. The movie begins with red lights flashing (why?) aboard a plane filled with red duffel bags full of coke that doped-up smuggler Andrew C. Thornton III is flinging out the open door. He then proceeds to knock himself out leaping after his goods, falling to his death? (Bob the cop later states his emergency chute deployed but didn't work?! I smell a lawsuit! And no mention of plane crashing-red lights were flashing, after all?) Meanwhile on the ground, the bear finds the coke and then the two tourist hikers...NOT GOOD. (By the way, as they are hiking along, how is the bear's footprint BIGGER than Tormund Giantsbane's bootprint? NO) To add more fodder to the slaughter woods, DeeDee and Henry skip school to paint the waterfall in the park and happen on a brick of coke and try some? These kids are HOW old? (2 NPs here-the coke looks just like sugar on DeeDee's lips and when Henry first goes to try some, he already has some on his chin!? HOW?) Bear drags off D and Henry up a tree. Mother Sari gets wind of kids AWOL and goes to ranger station where Liz is primping for her crush, Peter. (Mitchell from Modern Family?) He then delivers movies' best line "You got a dusty beaver here Ranger" she replies "Ya, I'm workin on that". HIGH-LARIOUS! Search for kids finds Henry in his perch and Peter falls in coke. He climbs tree and lures C.B. away from Henry with his cocaine scented goodness-BYE BYE. (NP-How does Peter stay in tree as he's dead and his leg is chomped off?) Meanwhile, drug kingpin Syd (Ray Liotta in his final role) dispatches enforcer Daveed and his son Eddie (whos in a funk following the death of his wife from cancer) to recover the coke. They arrive at ranger station, where Daveed is accosted in the bathroom by local park thugs-the Duchamps gang. This where it gets to epic editing failure levels. At 29.00 min in, no knife in back after Daveed kicks ass on punks...29.25, knife in back on R shoulder...30.00, too long of a gash in L shoulder...30.25, shirt off but no sign of wound! WHAT THE F?! Liz woundedly gets back to Ranger station to summon help and the twerps are there. Liz "accidentally" blows kids brains out shooting at bear (what, she said "I didn't mean to...I'm sorry." and the bear slaughters everyone, ambulance crew included (that red med bag was a big mistake). I especially like the bears Olympian-like leap from a 40 mph run into the back of the speeding ambulance-EPIC! Liz falling out and getting face ground to death was awesome also. Back on the trail, Stache Duchamps is leading the goons to the gazebo in the woods where the gang stashed some drugs they found. Bob the cop is also in pursuit, but inexplicably arrives at the gazebo first. (How did he beat them there-they were hiking through the woods for HOURS!) Bob recovers red duffel of drugs from roof of gazebo as the 3 arrive. (Note to self-don't purchase a red backpack or bag to take into the woods.) We then get a real head scratcher moment-Bob shoots at Daveeds hand as he goes for the dropped gun and blows his first AND ring fingers off! WHAT? Best trick shot ever, even Stache agrees. MaMa is back but crashes from the coke let down on top of Eddie, out cold. This should have killed him (heavy bear) but he's just fine. (Nice line from Stache as Bob shakes cocaine down on the bear to distract it-"It's like cocaine Christmas". Syd shows up and kills cop, under pressure from his superiors to get the drugs back. Sari and Henry find DeeDee in the MaMa's cave with two adorable little cocaine cubs! The family that snorts together stays together, I guess. Syd and bear arrive, cue final confrontation. Kids, mom, and henchmen survive by leaping out cave back door into river-Syd not so much. One final HUH moment-why did Nurse Sari swim underwater to other side of river at 1:26 mark to render aid to Daveed? Pop out of the water shock value? Haven't they all been through enough at this point? And when the credits roll, little white dog is eating Daveed's blown off fingers in basket. GROSS and I thought they were in Eddie's pocket, not Daveed's shirt. This bloody romp was uneven at best and fans of camp and blood may enjoy it, but there are enough NOs for me to give it a MTSR of YELLOW.
It's another Friday and you know what that means...It's movie smashing time with your own personal WMD-Avery Mann. (cue the cheers) This week, as promised, I have 2 reviews to bring you. The first one is a tear-jerker of a modern romance tale called SPOILER ALERT. The movie, starring Jim Parsons and Ben Aldridge, tells the tragic (if a little formulaic) story of love discovered and then lost. Michael and Kit meet in a nightclub and there is instant attraction. Since Mike (Sheldon...come on, we're all thinking it during the movie since the nerd-like characters are so Smurfily similar.) was a former fat kid, he is insecure that he is hot enough for cool Kit. At the first date, we have our first NP-Mike's hair part seems to move from the R side of his head to the L side during the course of the date! When Michael runs into Kit on the street, wouldn't you just say you worked or had an errand nearby, rather than seem like a creepy stalker? No matter, they hit it off anyway and start a long term relationship that punctuates each Christmas as they lay under the tree and ponder the future. Which brings up some later inconsistencies-at the end, Mike mentions they had 13 Christmas's together, but earlier in the movie they are under the tree claiming their 13th Yule and Kit isn't even sick yet. How many years did they have, 13, 14, 15? No one knows. There is also a running plot device where Mike flashes back to his childhood as a TV bingeing fat kid (to explain who he is as an adult) and we learn his mother died from cancer also. The BIG NP from this set-up is when Mike's mom is on the phone at 53.45 in, and says she will look at the results. On what? there are no computers or smart phones in the 80s and I don't think she is gonna wait for a week for a mailed letter of the results when the cancer clock is ticking. Small oversight, but annoying. Also annoying was the way Mike hung around when Kit's parents came for a visit , literally forcing Kit to finally out himself to his parents...C'mon Mike, a little space for such a big reveal huh. The parents accept it, the love story progresses and then a tragic diagnoses. Is it just me or were you not surprised that the first two doctors blew the call and it took a third doctor to break the bad news? (state of medical care in the U.S. today-FACT) The inevitable prognosis ensues and there aren't many flaws in this movie to point out, it's very well made. Two more things and I'll wrap it up. One was why did Michael HAVE to ask Kit if he cheated with Sebastian when he was almost done for? What point did this serve them or the movie? Irritating. And when Mike FINALLY tries pot to please Kit at the end, the first pinch hitter he lit didn't have any weed in it-how did he light and inhale nothing? To summarize, the acting was great and if you have ever been at the death bed of a loved one (and I have) this movie will punch you in the heart and let loose the waterworks at the end-it rings incredibly true. I hated this movie for the feelings of pain and loss it dredged up and I loved it for it's unflinching honesty and optimism that life goes on and so must we. I give this movie a hearty MTSR of GREEN!
Hello fellow babies and welcome back to Plotflaws, where we savage the movies for fun and satisfaction. Avery Mann here and this weeks bout is Creed III, the 9th film in the Rocky series and the first one without Sly. This franchise has had more comebacks than Don Rickles at a boozy nightclub, and here is yet another. In the opening of the movie, Adonis sneaks out at night to go to the Golden Gloves title fight his buddy Damian Anderson is in. (Let me just get this rant in right off the bat...Diamond Dame is the WORST boxer nickname in the history of boxing films! I know we're a long ways removed from the 30's and 40's, but did no one know the meaning of this word? "Diamond DAME..How you gettin' any fame...when your chosen boxing nickname...means WOMAN?!) Anywho, Dame signals his checkmate punch to Adonis and knocks the chump out, winning the fight. Problem here is there was no count, just Buffer saying winner by knockout at 5.43 into the film. Then Donnie and Dame head out to celebrate and Donnie encounters Leon, his abusive former foster parent. Donnie beats the shit out of him (rightly so) and as we come to find out in later flashbacks in the movie, this is where the Dame got into trouble. Let the many Nit-Picks begin. First of all, D.D. pulls a gun on Leon's "Boys" that are gonna get Donnie. What boys, Leon was all alone walking out of the store. Were they ghost "boys" that materialized out of thin air? And even if they did come running in, Dame pulls a gun for self defense of his friend and himself and the po-po send him away for 18 YEARS!!! Double D must a had hella priors for that kind of sentence when he didn't even shoot anyone. Flash forward and Creed regains his title and we see him at his fancy Hollywood Hills crib , having tea with daughter Amara. NP here is unicorn floaty is racing across pool, but no apparent wind showing on water. Suddenly Dame reappears at Creeds Gym in the suburbs strip mall , trying to insinuate some favors from Adonis. And now I want to talk about cars. Why does Donnie take the Rolls to the gym to work, but chooses the Escalade to go to the title fight? Then later on, lets take the Rolls again to the ghetto to hunt Double D down. WHAT? Moving on, at 32.42 of the movie we see the boys in Adonis' trophy room. The belts all look legit (except the 3rd one from the top) but that jersey hanging there is hilarious! I'm assuming that is a Shaquille O'Neal jersey from his Phoenix stint by the color, but he wore 32 while in Phoenix and that jersey wouldn't have fit him as a toddler, much less the NBA!! Where did he get it, from a Chinese jersey outlet?! Onward, at the fight party for next championship bout, a man named Luis Comino does a Jeff Gillooly job on Drago with his trusty pipe. How is it that no one knows that this goon came with Dame and was in prison with him? (Makes you wonder what Dame did for Comino in the joint when he agreed to this stunt, landing him right back in the pen?) This is later verified by momma Maryanne with a photo. Instead of Dame getting thrown back in jail for this stunt, he is rewarded with a title fight?! Ludicrous. Dame then beats Chavez by cheating his way to the title, but no one seems to care until it's too late. Just a few more NPs and I'll ring the bell on this on. Diamond Dame shows up for his title fight in an ANKLE BRACELET that the cop has to take off. Eighteen years in jail he gets out and is in an ankle bracelet? I think he paid his non-existant debt, yo. Also, I want to protest the parenting decisions of the Creeds. I know Amara wants to be a fighter, but do you take your pre-teen to a bloody boxing match? Then when Dame shows his true filthy ways, Bianca shelters poor little Amara out of the venue like it's the worst thing ever. But don't worry, she'll be back at the ringside when her Daddy fights this honorless butcher. Also, when D.D. won the belt, Felix Chavez's name was on it...no, they don't do that in boxing. OK to wrap things up, the movie progresses in the usual Rocky way, setting up the title grudge match between Diamond Dame and our hero Adonis. Before the climactic fight, the announcers state that Dame is favored over the former champ Creed. REALLY...he's only had one pro fight and he cheated to win that one! Highly unlikely dumb announcers. Just 2 more NPs and then I'll wrap it up. I like the training in the mountains (a la De La Hoya) one minute and in an airport hangar the next. And what's with all the belts just lying by the ringside after everyone went home? SECURITY! In the end, it turns out as we all hope it does in these movies and all is forgiven. Despite the many plot flaws, I have to recommend this movie because this is just the kind of thing we all need right now...a heartwarming tale of hope, redemption and victory against all odds. I give this film a movie traffic signal rating of GREEN!
Copyright © 2024 Plotflaws.com - All Rights Reserved.
Powered by GoDaddy
We use cookies to analyze website traffic and optimize your website experience. By accepting our use of cookies, your data will be aggregated with all other user data.